Outside Influences

Hmmm.... not much computer time these days. Instead I spend my hours waiting for people to heard me like cattle from one room to another. It's been one of those frustrating weeks up at the free mental health place. Tuesday my therapist decided to get my patient file and go through everything, even lab results from when I first came in, where she said my calcium was too low and was concerned because in that test, my glucose was 116. And since she's a diabetic, she starts telling me I need to cut out diet coke and drink only things with splenda and no fruit juice and I need to take calcium and some other vitamins, blah.. blah.. Last Sunday she called to confirm our appointment time, but instead spent 20 minutes talking about ways that we (her) might be able to find someone to take my cat temporarily. Not even giving me the chance to tell her that my Dad over-exaggerated the message from my SIL and I have since spoken with my SIL who has no problem keeping my cat as long as she's not harming herself. I appreciate the concern, but it's not a therapist's job to find the cat a new home, it's their job to help me process the feelings associated with it, but not do the action for me. She also told me to go ahead and increase my dosage of Wellbutrin before the dosage increase was approved by the agency paying for this crap. The med increase was not approved and it's probably a good thing I didn't follow her on that. I could go on, but she kinda crossed some lines and really pissed off my Doctor who is the one really in charge of my treatment, not her.

I saw the Doc Wednesday and was about out of my mind in another direction. I felt like I could leap tall buildings. I was talking 100 mph and couldn't make decisions. Such as... while driving to the MH place, I saw a horse down on it's stomach. I know horses aren't supposed to sit or lay down. And there where 3 other horses all surrounding the horse like they knew something was wrong with the other one. I changed lanes in traffic 4 or 5 times, trying to decide whether to tell the animal shelter about it, but then I saw a sign for a post office and needed to go there too, so went there and then couldn't decide about the horse, but needed to get to my appointment and just keep running this run on sentence over and over and over in your head about 40 times and you might be close to the state I was in Wednesday. Which one reason I finally decided not to go back to the horse site was that I figured if I kept this up, I would end up driving into another state if I saw any sign telling me to go to Oklahoma or something.

The Doc gets to see me in this frame of mind and starts to adjust my meds. I thought I was just in a really kick ass mood, even though I didn't know my head from my ass, I was happy dammit. Then the Doc asks if the xanax was helping to calm me. I said it wasn't, that it was elevating me that morning. He says it's not supposed to do that. Scratches all med changes, keeping everything the same. Decides that outside influences are causing my severe mood swings and he will go talk with the other powers about my therapist. Someone was supposed to call me back that day to tell me what was going to happen. No one did and that's not unusual.

I go to meet with my therapist the next day. She's 20 mins late for our appointment when she walks into the lobby. She didn't come into the lobby for me, as she is no longer my therapist, just no one told me. She was told that I requested a new therapist due to her lack of boundaries. That's it, blame the patient. I tell her I want someone to tell me wtf is going on. She takes me upstairs to wait for her boss, then she and her boss lead me back downstairs to wait for my Doc. I waited an hour before I said fuck it and left. I contemplating never going back. I was pissed that no one told me what the hell was going on.

Friday morning I decided to give the place another chance, besides... there was free pizza in a group session that day. Of course, tons of mental patients ended up coming because the word of pizza got out and we only got 2 slices each. Anyway, when I walk in the door, I run into a Manager. I don't know what exactly she does, but she can kick some asses and get things fixed. That's all I need to know. She asks how I'm doing... I speak... next thing I know I'm in her office, my case worker is there, I'm set up with a new therapist and an appointment for next week, advised that another patient had issues with my last therapist and the boundaries and no more intern therapists for me. I'm messed up enough to get the real deal. Well, they didn't put it that way about the messed up part. Just I need more "assistance".

On top of this, my parents are trying to convert me to Christianity. I expect they will come home from church again this Sunday with more pamphlets about some 8 week course and retreat where they try to sway me. What part of, "I don't accept Jesus is my personal lord and savior," do you not understand? And I was again told that I'm depressed because I'm not a Christian. So... there are no happy Buddhists or Jews or insert other religion here? See why I like being a hermit? Outside influences are a pain in the ass. I'm off to go engage in my heathen behavior.