How to go Insane

You are the one you've been waiting for

2011-10-23T22:48:00.002-05:00

Do you write yourself love notes? Do you give yourself flowers? Or go on a picnic with yourself?
You are the one you've been waiting for.
Love yourself, honor yourself, accept yourself in totality.
Seek within, not without. In seeking outside yourself, you are going without.

2011-10-19T06:32:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be a star. Not the Hollywood type, the kind you see in the sky at night. I just knew it after I laid in bed last night and took several deep breaths, I was going to be a star when 3D goes 5D.
And then I wondered if stars can talk to each other or communicate somehow and if they can see the beauty of the galaxies around them. What's it like to be a star? Do you even have feelings or know you are a star?
Then I thought about things I would miss from the 3D world as I looked at my sleeping cats. I'd miss the touch of their soft fur. I'd miss trees and butterflies and birds. I'd miss colorful sunrises and sunsets. And water, drinking it and showering in it. And thunderstorms. I'd miss chocolate and cheese. Then there's the whole ton of things I wouldn't miss. But the point seems more to be, enjoy the things I would miss NOW. Do more of those things I do love in this world. Because things are changing.

You are your own Ascended Master

2011-10-11T19:53:00.000-05:00

You don't need some "Ascended Master" to assist you with ascension. If you want to pay out the wazoo for that, go right ahead. However, the light is within you. Not without you. Not outside you. Do some research on George Kavassilas. Listen to what he has to say. Empower yourself and claim your own sovereignty. You are the Divine you've been looking for. Look in your own heart.

Sirian Archangelic League of the Light

2011-10-10T00:51:00.002-05:00

Why an external merkabah to reach the Sirian Archangelic League of the Light? No, no. Seek within your own heart. No outside force should be placing you in any chamber of light.
Who rules you? If you go inside someone else's light, they do. Stand in your own light.

A good link about Sirius beings ( and other planetary origins) after a long search: http://www.lightconnection.org/planetaryorigin/sirius.html
And as much as I don't want to plagerize someone else's work, it seems many of the old search sites with such info no longer exist. So, I'm going to copy/paste the info here from this link:

"Those who have Sirius as their planetary origin are very focused, very determined and set on whatever path they are on at a given time. It is very difficult to change the mind of one from Sirius, but once they have become convinced that a new "path" is more appropriate, they become totally focused on the new, and release the old quickly. Sirians have strong beliefs, ideals and personal integrity.

Those from Sirius make loyal, trustworthy friends, but expect the same in return. They become hurt and disillusioned when these expectations are not met. Sirians do not share the inner personal self with others easily, and may have difficulty sharing emotions and expressing feelings and needs. To be fully accepted and trusted as a close personal friend of a Sirian means that you have been carefully scrutinized. Sirians may have difficulty in relationships and friendships when they expect to be treated in a certain way, but do not share their expectations with the others involved. It is important to work with sharing expectations, ideals, communicating needs and desires to avoid being hurt and disillusioned. This often occurs as a result of lack of communication or lack of mutual understanding and clarity in relationships.

Those from Sirius tend to be future oriented, and do not enjoy focusing on the past. They may become defensive if forced to focus on the past by others. This is due to the fact that past pain and emotion is held within, denied and repressed rather than being dealt with at the time of occurrence. Due to this there may be large amounts of old emotion in need of being dealt with and released. Sirians do not enjoy confrontations or open expressions of anger but if forced into an argument will defend themselves and their beliefs fiercely. This is particularly true if honor of themselves or loved ones is involved. One of the lessons many Sirians have chosen to work with in this lifetime is the importance of releasing old pain, forgiving self and others, and moving on.

Sirians have a very unique and strong sense of humor, which often is only seen when they are with those they trust and feel at ease with. Sirians may be considered dreamers by some. This is due to their active, vivid inner life. This can cause forgetfulness and a tendency to not notice trivial third dimensional things in the present. They may at times appear to be uninterested, or inattentive, but in actuality they are simply somewhere else. They may not realize that others are unaware of their inner activity. Although they appear very calm, quiet and reserved on the surface, there is much activity within. As children, Sirians may often be thought to have learning disorders or thought to have problems with their attention span. This is due to the attraction of the inner world, which is often more interesting than that which is taught in Earth schools. They do best in learning when visual methods of teaching are used, and they are allowed hands on types of learning with freedom to move around and explore. These are children who benefit greatly from alternative schools, the are very intelligent but strong enough within to feel that if something does not interest them, they should not be required to learn about it.

Those from Sirius have a deep connection to the Earth and energies of nature. Many Sirians have had numerous lives as American Indians and maintain close ties and memories of these lives. They are very visual, both in their ability to see things which others do not, and in their manner of learning. "

Again this is from: http://www.lightconnection.org/planetaryorigin/sirius.html

I am

2011-10-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

I am in waiting. My time is coming. I know this. I feel this. Years of what others see as me doing nothing, that is what they see. Not what the Divine sees. I am living according to the Source. Clearing out the years of messages of society, other people, parents, schools, churches, work, facebook, television, advertising, blah, blah.
So many want to tell you what you "should" be doing. But are they asking the Source first what I "should" be doing before they open their mouths? Almost 40 years of accumulated "knowledge" takes awhile to sort through. All the time the Source is trying to get through. But many humans try to drown that out so they are heard instead of the Source. Enough.
I may be coming back to blogging. But not as a social thing. It will be my outlet, my journal. I will probably turn comments off on my posts because unless you are speaking from the Source, you are not saying what I need to hear.

Dream

2011-09-24T09:45:00.001-05:00

I got fired!!! Yep, from a job I had 8 years ago. This time, it finally happened in my dreams. I have several recurring dream sequences. One is of going to school. Usually schools I've never seen before, often traveling to somewhere I've never been, with people I don't know, except one guy that appears in my dreams often. And then the dream of jobs. These are usually a mix of past jobs, with all the people I did once work with, but usually in a different office setting.
Typically, the school dreams (sometimes mixed with training for a new job) mean I'm learning something and the work dreams mean, well... I'm working on something or a life path. Often dreams are indeed highly symbolic. But there is a saying in psychology that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
The job dreams are often a mix of different jobs I've had over the years meshed into one long dream sequence and often ends up I'm showing up at one job and I know I haven't been there for years and I'm still employed there. Waiting for them to say something. Ya know, like "where you been? You no longer work here." But I just flow right in. Even though the locations are different. For example, I once worked at a shoe store in an outlet mall. In my dreams, it's a Payless Shoe or similar type store in a huge shopping mall. It's grander. Office jobs where it was a small office have huge amounts of employees, whereas they didn't in the "real" life situation as I don't think I ever worked at a corporate main office location, usually branch office locations. Sometimes there is a fear that they are going to discover I'm not qualified for the job or that I don't know what I'm doing. And then I realize I haven't been there in years and then I show up at another past job once I make that realization.
But this is the first time I've been fired in my dreams! I was "let go" in "real" life from this job in their final mass layoff before selling the company, my dreams hadn't reflected this until now. Does this mean I'm done working on a certain area of my life? A new path "job" for me? And why couldn't I be fired from working at Pizza Hut back in college? There's a job I don't care to visit in real life or in my dreams.
Some dream details I remember. They handed me a letter of my lay off and then immediately dialed me into a conference call to hear more about the lay off. The building was huge, I mean really huge, not the real life office. There had been some sort of destruction recently, I think a flood and outside the huge complex were things that had washed up from the waters to be left in the parking lots and areas around the building. One of my cats was with me. Even inside the office. She follows me everywhere in real life too, even in the rain. And she follows me in some of my dreams, my other cat doesn't. Ya, the one that sleeps next to me does not follow in my dreams.
I wonder if I'll go back to school in tonight's dreams for a new path. Or maybe a vacation on the astral plane. It's supposed to get to 100 degrees tomorrow. Think Alaska.

dream

2011-05-06T15:35:00.001-05:00

At a house, lots of people, gathered for my younger step-sister's wedding.
My cats were there, but were kittens. (Past cats and dogs are in many of my dreams)Many strangers there, kids and adults. Met a guy that I liked. There was lots of conversations going on, I felt comfortable and on the same level as everyone around me. (hasn't always been so in past dream like this one) Some of the people went swimming and I decided to go to because I thought it would be a good way to get closer to the cute guy.
Time to get ready for the wedding. Decided I wanted to wear make-up because of the cute guy. Couldn't get the make-up right. Asked my step-mom how it looked and she told me it wasn't right, she tried to help me fix the foundation, but it just couldn't be fixed. She couldn't help anymore because she had to go, she was mother of the bride, but she tried to help. I continued to try putting on different makeup that wasn't working. I knew I was only making it worse, my skin was all red from cleaning up the wrong make-up and I was still trying on new-make up. And knew I should have gone as I normally do, without make-up. And then I woke up.

Side-note--- I have had many recurring dreams featuring my step-mom and some fancy family affair. Sometimes it's my younger step-sister's wedding and sometimes it's a big family dinner. It's always swanky fancy, not our average run of the meal family gatherings that we normally have. In the past dreams, my step-mom was down right cruel to me and I was always yelling back, trying to defend myself, but was always just beat up and made to feel I was worthless. I couldn't wait for the dream to end because they were awful.
After some of the meditations and healing work I've been doing, I went to my family's for Easter and did not have the "evil" step-mom dream prior to going out there and I always had it in the past before going to any family events.
I have not been there for Mother's Day for the past 3 years after a bad experience with my step-mom when I was at a very dark place in my life. I decided I would go this year. I was ready. I was so tired and grumpy yesterday for no reason and then tired today. The family gatherings in the past have always drained me and I'll sleep for a day or two after them. (though I didn't this last visit at Easter) Then today I just decided to nap because I was so tired and that's when I had this dream.
The dream told me she was doing the best should could to help me. But she had other people that needed her (being mother of the bride, she did need to go be with her daughter!). I still have not been able to forgive her for the things she said to me at my darkest time, but maybe the forgiveness will be coming soon. Even if you've got others to tend to, there's no need to speak so cruelly to people. And at that time, I was in too dark of a place to handle that kind of cruelty and I was unable to stand up for myself at that time as well.
The dream has changed and I'm taking a big risk going on Mother's Day. A day that has meant nothing but pain and hurt to me. There's still my real mother that hasn't spoken to me since I was 17, but she has appearred in some dreams over the past few years as a person of more acceptance than she is in real life.
I had originally planned to celebrate Mother Earth this year for Mother's Day until when I was driving to my family's for Easter, when I decided it was time to go this year to the family Mother's Day celebration. Did I really think it would be that easy? At the time I made the decision to go, yes. But with pain there can be healing. And with healing, a lot of pain. Especially wounds that cut this deep.
I'm still going. I am going to walk through this and hopefully come out the other side with a less heavy heart.

2011-04-26T17:53:00.000-05:00

The dream from a nap- bits and piece

No TV, no internet. we just "knew" what had happened but not the details. Again the feelings of a lot less people on Earth. Though it felt like more were around this time than my last similar dream. In the first part of the dream, I was at some stranger's house but near the end I was at my apartment as we were trying to ID all the neighbor's bodies and wondering if we should bury them or wait for family members. They had been left near the laundry room and covered with sheets, but not laid out. More as if the bodies had collapsed or were in parts so that the bodies were in little mounds.
And though I say "we", there was never any conversation of this, as if there wasn't a person standing with me during this, either an internal conversation or a spirit guide or angel, etc. or maybe telepathic conversation with someone else. Wondering if the feeling of more being left on Earth this time was a psyhic connection that I couldn't feel last time.
I believe the was from a nuclear war or something along those lines. But I was walking around outside all over the place. (Side note- dream afterthought- Ever see the movie, "The Stand?" What if there are people immune to radation that will survive?)

Dream

2011-04-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

"You need to learn to communicate without communication."
I heard this while meditating the other day and at the same time, I could feel the loss of computers and cell phones. All gone dark. Our "normal" means of communication were gone.
Today as I slept, I could feel an emptiness. Not of myself, but of the Earth. There were only a few humans left. I had no idea where everyone went or what happened to them. Only that most of humanity was gone. I knew that homes were left standing for those who remained as we could use them to take shelter as they now belonged to no one.

THE WAYSEER MANIFESTO

2011-03-20T10:25:00.003-05:00

ATTENTION: All you rule-breakers, you misfits & troublemakers, all you free-spirits & pioneers... Everything the establishment has told you is wrong with you - is actually what's right with you...

Ever watch something and feel it was made for you? ya

Dream

2011-03-10T11:26:00.000-06:00

went on a trip to Oregon. I did some traveling before I ended up at a house that was where my mom was living. A bunch of family members where there, maybe even my younger step-sister. My dad was there and my biological mom. And people were kinda happy, like a family reunion type atmosphere. Wait, my brother and SIL where there. I fought with my mom at least once and remember yelling my at my Dad to get his attention, but he couldn't hear me. Even though I was yelling his name and everyone else could hear me. Finally everyone else yelled at him for me to get his attention for me.
The same recurring theme of I'm moving my stuff (even though I didn't live at this house, but apparently arrived with luggage) and I keep discovering more stuff. Just when I think I'm done packing. I find more of my things. It's always so frustrating because I never can finish packing all my stuff. Dressers appear... 2 of them in this dream, that were supposedly mine. My old dog apppeared or a dog like I had as a child, but it belonged to my mom and I was taking the dog.
I remember saying something to my mom about how this must have been like when they got divorced, you get left with bits and pieces of furniture, but not the full set. I still kept finding more stuff, they even went and got a small trailer to attach to my car. I remember a washing machine I thought was going to overflow, so I pressed some button I thought would stop it, but my mom said it was ok and I pressed the right button. i remember about being embarresed that my mom saw how fat I am. But for some reason, I could feel love coming from her. I thought about staying in Oregon. The mountains, the beauty, but my mom said they didn't have apartments with assistance like they have here. I asked if there was bus lines and she said there were 2. (This was Portland for some reason) I had my cat with me to pack up as well. The cat came along with me I guess because I told my mom how to the cat travelled with me to get there and the cat could come back the same way, in a pet carrier lined with some cat litter. But I was also taking the dog too. A dacshound. It might have been my dog from my youth.
My mom at times almost seemed like an angel in my dream. Loving approval coming from her. I still feel the pull of the dream.

2011-03-09T12:28:00.000-06:00

When I awake, my mind sets out to tear down the lavish stories that took hours to create. I wish I could grab them all from the air before they are replaced with bits of reality. The mind searching for logic instead of reading the beauty of the dreams. Almost like a jigsaw puzzle, I can see each piece of the dream replaced with a more logical explanation as this world intrudes upon the dream. Before I know it, the dream has slipped away. Never to be seen again. At least in that form.
Most of my dreams are recurring dreams and most are wonderful. The 2 bad recurring dreams haunt me when I awake and they are too easy to remember. The other ones, I know the central themes, but I would like to be able to grab more pieces before they slip away. Most have to do with either a job or school or going to training for a job. (I relate this to more of what I am learning in this incarnation.) Many are in another city, sometimes another country. (This is my journey or path.) I do love when I visit a new place in my dreams. I can even feel the culture of the new place I visit.
The dreams are vivid and colorful. A cast of characters, sometimes people from my past, some I know are one "person" or maybe soul, that is a representation of the same type of person. I recognize them in each dream, no matter what face they wear in each dream. Many dreams have animals from my past or current pets, sometimes there are what seems like hundreds of stray cats and dogs under my care.
For many years, I often said I had no dreams. Of course, everyone dreams. But I used to fall asleep and the next thing I know, 6-8 hours later, my alarm clock was going off. There was no memory whatsoever of any dreams. Except the occasional dream, usually remembered only if I woke up during the dream. Now and for the past several years, I am so lucky to have been able to connect to my dream world. Sometimes the dreams feel so good, I wish I could live in them instead of waking to this reality. What I would like to do is remember them better. Instead of the logical mind waking up and trying to replace the pieces with what makes more sense or whatever it's doing, I'd like to stay with the dreams long enough to record them. I know they are ways they say you can do this. I have tried the notebook by the bed thing. I think too fast and typing is the only way I can keep up before the dreams starts to disappear. I need to do some more research on remembering

Dream- The bad dream

2011-03-05T08:04:00.002-06:00

The Dreams- the Bad Dream
Again you appeared as my 2nd Earthly mother. Yelling at me, condemning me, attempting to destroy all of me. This time even telling me none of my family members wanted to be around me as your parting insult. You are the voice that I want to turn off. You are the voice of all my doubts, my insecurities. You are the voice that blames me for all that is wrong with anything and everything. You make me want to lash out at other humans that resemble you. I don't know what outlet to use for the anger I have for you. You make me feel so small and insignificant. And how I have tried to please you. It will never happen, even in my dreams.
I'm tired of this same verbal battle in this dream. Everything I say is matched with an insult. All I say is made to be wrong. I never "win" in this dream. And yet you are a dream, I know you are the constant stream of doubt in my waking hours. The voices of the past that will not let me go. You haunt me and tortue me. You have no beauty and try to negate any beauty I find. I want you to go away.

Dream of trip planning to Sand Dunes, Indonesia.

2011-02-25T12:48:00.000-06:00

This is kinda spacey as I just typed it upon waking from an early morning nap:
A dream I had. It had many recurring themes, issues with the step-mom and dad, a job in telecommunications being switched to a job in telemarketing. That's been a new recurring dream. The old job being switched to a new job. Thinking it might indicate a change or coming to a new place in my purpose or path in my life.
Today's dream the family was involved but the theme was the job was sending me to a place called Sand Dunes, Indonesia. The family's inolvement in this dreams was to help me find it on the map and wonder how to pack for it, etc. My dad has been to Indonesia several times in the past for business, so I would naturually turn to him for advice on such a trip. Other things mentioned, it was a 12 hour flight to Jarkarta, Indonesia and then would be an interesting journey to Sand Dunes, comprised of many different elements. Bus, small plane, snow shoeing, car- were several modes of transport mentioned. Packing was a subject because of the cost of extra luggage. I was wondering how to pack for a place with such extreme climate. Someone said go by the law of 12- When asked they stated it was - 6 pairs of undies, 4 pants and 2 shirts. At one time in the dream while searching for more info on Sand Dunes, Indonesia.. we came across a book? and a huge highly decorative fold out was found on the area. It kinda resembled a menu at an upscale Chinese resturaunt.
The dream was all about preperation for the trip. Never going to the airport or even packing as of yet. I did have the flight tickets to Jarkarta, Indonesia.
I have looked and found no place named "Sand Dunes" in Indonesia. However a google search has found a few interests of sand dunes in Indonesia. Gumuk Pasir is sand dune in the local language.
http://www.trekearth.com/gallery/Asia/Indonesia/Java/Yogyakarta/Bantul/photo1189919.htm

The search also has many hits for a place called Parangtritis beach where there are sand dunes and also a popular tourist desitination. It is also known for a legend of "Queen of the South Sea"
http://indonesia.exotissimo.com/travel/daytrips/java-sand-dunes-and-beaches-jogjakarta/

I still believe the dream is an indication of a huge change/journey in my life, perhaps changing my role in the universe. I have been feeling pulled back into Pagan studies and working on my abilities. I swear I even saw an apportition of a man standing next to a road I often travel last week, but on second glance, there was no one near the area. I have never really seen anything with my eyes wide open. I see more with my eyes closed.

Ya, I found Facebook

2010-09-14T00:03:00.002-05:00

And that's where I've been hiding out. Playing a lot of games over there. Just what I need.
But also wanted to tell you about Jackie's new book blog. She has a ton of books, 1st editions, rare, etc. Check out her book blog!!!
http://snatchthatbook.blogspot.com/

Cutest kitties in the world

2010-04-27T14:11:00.015-05:00

Time for some cuteness:

Tina The Great
(aka Killer)

And
Prego The Pretty.

I can't get blogger to coperate on the spacing of the pictures.

Blogger likes to run my posts together when I post pictures.

So now I'm just typing shit to take up space.

Space.

I used to know the html code to make space in blogger.

But I forget.

Space

Hey, it worked.

I don't know

2010-04-15T14:59:00.001-05:00

Don't know why I haven't been blogging. I just haven't. But look, here I am blogging. So, shut up.
Being that I enjoy being a recluse, I do love living in a small town where the grocery stores are "busy" if there is more than 10 customers. But what happened yesterday reminded me that small towns can be just as dangerous as the big city.
I went with Jackie yesterday to help her carry 15 gazillion pies to an after funeral gathering. There were people there. And not only just a few people, these people were gathering in mass. Everywhere I looked, fucking people! To me, it's like standing in a room full of zombies and I'm not zombified yet. I think the entire town of 3000 people where there. Fuck me. I didn't have to stay too long, but long enough to envision my own horror movie of the scene. At least Jackie brought me a plate of meat and beans later. No fucking brownies, but I forgive her.
It's more hip to call myself a recluse than admit that I have a severe phobia of people.

Wild Chickens plot to take over the world

2009-09-06T16:02:00.001-05:00

Yes, these mild mannered wild homeless chickens have found me. They know that I intend to take over the world someday. They are keeping a close watch on me because their kind, the chicken kind, also has the same desire - To take over the world. Or mainly we just plot to take over the world and do nothing because plotting is just damn good fun. Notice how they pretend to be walking away after they caught me taking their picture. I know their game. They have confirmed visual sighting of me and will send for more of their kind to pretend to eat the birdseed I leave for the wild birds. Look at those beady little eyes. Can you see them? Huh? Huh? I tell you these chickens mean business.
Even my cats suspect these are not normal birds. Being that the birds are about twice their size with big peckers, the cats keep their distance not willing to risk one of their 9 lives on peckerheads. Jackie says we should cut off their heads and let them run around. The chickens, not the cats. If you've got the freezer space, I've got free range organic chickens.

Happy Labor Day Weekend

2009-09-03T09:54:00.002-05:00

picture courtesy of Lisa

So I get this email

2009-08-30T14:07:00.002-05:00

from an ex-boyfriend. And I respond to the first email in what Jackie said coulda been an email to my sister. I received 4 emails in return and haven't responded to any of them. The latest and 5th email came this morning. I'm only going to post the funniest section of the email.
From the ex:

"So how are you doing? Can you use a man in your life? Do you have a man in your life? Ran into my neighor the other day. She has given in and found her self a Fem. I can understand the why but just can not understand the mechanics. The hand, tongue and mind can be a powerful force but when it comes to the rapture I could think of nothing better then a long weinie and a wonderful and willing female organ.
Your chocolate is on my peanut butter sort of thing."

I've been laughing for hours. Do you think I should reply, "You had me at rapture?" or maybe the long weinie. Jeez.
Remind me to post about the first email where he mentions "wedding sheets."

Paranoid?

2009-07-27T17:35:00.002-05:00

"I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain when there's no rain" - Blind Melon

Depression has come back and smacked me upside the head pretty hard the past month or so. They've tried adding Abilify to my other meds and I don't see any difference. Therapy was recommended and I started that a week and 1/2 ago. I go again tomorrow morning.

Therapy's a pain in the ass because it takes at least 3 sessions just to go thru my background shit. and I don't like bringing up the past over and over again. They say I'm also now paranoid as I told them I felt there were evil spirits outside my apartment at night. How do they know there aren't evil spirits out there? My med doc asked me what I was guilty of. I guess if I feel guilty then I think some bad things hang around? I don't know. I analyze them trying to analyze me. I burned some sage anyway. It can't hurt.

I don't understand how the mind takes a sudden turn for the worse. Maybe the meds just stop working after awhile. All I know is it's fucked up and I shouldn't feel this way. And the mental health is this area is suck ass. There's a year waiting list for the MHMR clinic. You're SOL if you're suffering, too fucking bad, take a number please. Don't get me wrong, I do love living here, the doctors even say the MHMR here is a shame compared to places like Dallas and Austin.

I did start going back to a few AA meetings. It's cheap therapy. Don't even have to donate $1 if you can't afford it. I've been sober for 10 years last December and haven't been to a meeting in probably 4 years. I'm even going to get my 10 year chip tomorrow night. Figure why the hell not. I'm trying to attack the depression from all angles. Jackie's helping me do some cleaning because I have no motivation to do much and my place is all grimey. I don't like clutter, but I can live with muck and germs everywhere. So, I'm not a germaphobe and I guess I've got that going for me.

Rigatoni

2009-07-01T23:58:00.003-05:00

This little charcoal gray kitty is Rigatoni. After a dramatic chase scene worthy of TNT last night, he was captured by moi. He has beautiful green eyes and will either be a long hair or a mid-hair length cat. His sister Penne is so glad to see him and they go running around attacking the crap outta each other. Prego wasn't so pleased as she is in heat. I thought she was already pregnant again, but I guess not. She gets fixed this Monday thanks to the low cost clinic found on spayamerica.org.
JS may take Rigatoni, but I suspect she'll change his name. The aparment manager or her son may take Penne. They are cute and fun to have around and I will miss them. However, my Tina cat cannot stand the kittens and now lives on my porch. I miss her more than I'll miss the kittens. I'll be so happy to have her back and she'll be happy to have her home back. Soon... very soon.. I keep telling myself.

Penne' Returns

2009-06-25T01:07:00.005-05:00

This stealth little kitten was able to track down its mom at her safe house. Screaming on the front porch in the 100 + degree heat, I went to search. Found under some paper lawn bags, it took off towards freedom. However, it was weak from the heat. And it made one mistake, it ran into the fence and attempted to climb the fence pole. I was able to pluck the kitten off the fence pole and bring it inside. Now I have a feral kitten attempting to adapt to indoor living. I don't know if any other kittens will show up or not.

Prego is well, pregnant again and not going out much at all. I was glad to finally see her nursing the kitten after it had already been here 1/2 the day. Thought I might have to feed it myself.

To Penne', I appear like a giant, towering over her little kitten body. She thought mustang famer's red dog was huge. She doesn't know if I'm friend or foe yet. And Tina hisses at the kitten and now Prego as well.

Penne' was one of the females born. Still MIA are Ragu, Scampi, Rigatoni and Tiramisu. If more screaming kittens show up on my porch, I don't know what I'll do with them all. But somehow it will have to work out until they're ready for homes. Only 6 1/2 weeks old at this point and Penne' had no idea what to do with food.

But I'm happy as hell to see this little bundle of joy. The picture it's hard to tell, but she's a dilute calico. White, gray and light orange. So cute. I'd be glad to ship her to ya'. Please allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.

Ya Don't Need to Live the Name

2009-06-17T05:01:00.002-05:00

Prego is nursing and trying to get pregnant. I didn't know cats could get pregnant while nursing. I told her she doesn't have to live up to the name of Prego. Good thing is, I googled and found www.spayusa.org which lead me to finding a low cost clinic in the city. They will spay cats that are in heat or pregnant for $5 more. After speaking with them, we have to wait until Prego is done nursing and her milk is dried up before she can be spayed. However, she can go ahead and be a little hussy and get pregnant again in the meantime. Spayusa.org is also supported by Greg Biffle and he's buddy's with Matt Kenseth, it all comes full circle in the end.

The kittens were moved outside after 2 weeks old. I think Tina growling and hissing at them prompted mama to take action. She's had them over in Mustang Farmer's field ever since. I haven't see them at all. Prego comes in every night for food, water and love and more food. Then spends all day outside. And it's hot out there, 100 degrees weather these days.

Anyhow, I'm trying to quit smoking again. I'll do another post on that issue and my latest addition to my med regime, Abilify.

What lurks under the bed...

2009-05-14T13:28:00.004-05:00

After hearing many screams and odd noises under my bed, I bravely decided to take a flashlight to inspect. Here is what I found.

Many of these strange little creatures have white faces with pink noses. I suspect there are laser beam ray guns under those little nostrils.

This one is apparently lacking the pink nose. Perhaps it is less hostile than the other Weapon of Mass Destructions kittehs. Or perhaps it has a weapon even more sinister than nostril laser beam ray guns.

They appear to spend most their time attached to this host being. They must be using some kind of mind control to force her to lay over on her side to feed them. This same mind control feature forces me to pet them and think they are cute and want to keep them warm. They are indeed very strong. Humanity has no hope against battling these adorable little WMD cats. The end is near.

Kitten pics

2009-05-13T03:19:00.003-05:00

I took more pictures than this, but the flash overexposed the shots. Prego has moved the kittens under the bed because Tina kept growling at her and them. Trust me, the kittens are too cute. I'll try to get better pictures.

Kittens and NASCAR

2009-05-09T14:52:00.002-05:00

So, Matt Kenseth won the race last night and there was also a full moon last night. Then, Prego gave birth to her first kitten around 9:30 this morning. And Matt Kenseth starts on the pole position for tonight's race after qualifying yesterday with a new track record. Coincidence? I think not. Somewhere, a butterfly flapped it's wings and this all happened. Or a frog hiccuped or cockroaches created the swine flu to destroy us all.

So far, we have paused at 5 kittens. They are all happily feeding right now. Two look like Prego, one is gray, one is maybe black and beige and the other is white, with gray and light orange. Perhaps a dilute calico. It's hard to tell exactly because they are so tiny.

Yes, I'm taking pictures and will post some soon. Prego is not found of the paparazzi and kept trying to eat her first born. But we're working through both issues.

Prego

2009-04-25T01:26:00.004-05:00

I've been adopted by a stray pregnant cat. I've named her Prego and think the name will stick even after the kittens find homes and I get her fixed. I'm planning on keeping her. To go with the Prego name, when she has the kittens, they will be named as follows: Ragu, Alfredo, Oregano, Noodles, Meat Sauce, Garlic, etc. Names will be adapted to fit each kitten. A legion of future WMD cats.

The ultimate challenge at the moment is keeping Prego from running out the door. She does like it here, hanging out without worrying about food, rain, dogs, other humans, etc. She only has one problem, Tina the alpha female. They have little spats, but so far no blood has been drawn. They even have times where the sniff noses and don't exchange any low growl warnings or compare who has the longest nails. Most of the time Tina is trying to play with Prego and Prego says "fuck you, I'm pregnant." Yes, I do speak cat.

The picture is of Prego outside before I convinced her to come inside. It took about a month at least to gain Prego's trust. But a hungry mama cat will do about anything for food. She is now very sweet and loving towards me. She loves to purr while I pet her big fat pregnant belly. I can even feel a few of the kittens.

What the hell am I getting myself into? I've done the bring a stray pregnant cat in before. However at that time, the boyfriend of that year and I had a 2 bedroom apartment. I was able to kitten proof the extra bedroom and keep them in there with plenty of room for them to run around.

It will be more of a challenge in this one bedroom apartment. However, this will help me to meet one of my ultimate goals in life: becoming a crazy cat lady. It's been listed in my hobbies on my profile since day one of this blog. If I keep all the kittens, I could easily achieve that status. Besides, with such cute names, why would I give them away?

Oh yes, and Tina brought in a baby bunny tonight with the same intentions of her treatment of her previous catch. However, I was able to throw a towel over baby bunny and release it outside in the direction of it's hideout under the mustangs. I hope the bunny will be okay. No, I'm not adopting a bunny. They're fun to watch outside in Mustang Farmer's field, but bunny ownership does not fit into my crazy cat woman goal.

Just kill the damn thing!

2009-04-10T20:00:00.003-05:00

Approximately between 1:30 and 2:00pm this Friday afternoon, the cat came running in the house with an unidentified rodent. The human only caught a glimpse of the rodent as she was actually cooking and cleaning. Hmmm..... note to self... do not ever do these same 2 multitasking thingies again. Ever. The human went running into the bathroom for the broom. Why do humans go for brooms when it comes to rodents? The cat and the human both searched frantically for the unidentified rodent. The clever unidentified rodent had simply vanished. The cat thought about going outside to get another rodent but access was denied by the human until the current rodent has been executed.
Human wonders, was it really a rodent? Maybe human was just imaging it. Maybe it was just a bug the cat was so gleefully chasing. Oh shit! Human hopes it wasn't a bunny. Cat knows human doesn't want cat to hurt the bunnies. No, it was a rat. Human saw it. Or a large mouse. No, maybe human saw nothing. Damn cat.
Later... cat takes nap on couch. Human decides to also take nap on couch. Human wakes up to cat chasing mouse around couch. The cat even had rodent in mouth at one point and let it go again. Human decides to find school for cats who can't kill their catches. Cat decides having a live mouse in the house is much better than the fake mice human buys at Hellmart. Human takes collar with bell off cat to give the cat advantage of sneak attack on rodent and finishes vacuuming with the vacuum that smells like the belt is broke, but it is a new belt. Motor must be burning up for another reason, but it still works for now and human will make do. Then human duct tapes the standing rotating fan so it will continue to stand, rotate and blow. Need more duct tape.
Human sits on couch. Cat gets in human's lap. This has happened before but never lasts more than a few minutes. Cat decides human's lap is where cat will finish her typical long afternoon/evening nap that cat has missed due to rodent. Human allows this for a bit and tells cat to go find the fucking mouse. Cat is still more interested in bringing in more critters from outside inside. Cat curls up on top of the couch behind human. Human still wants mouse caught and more duct tape as the microwave has been acting strange today as well. Human is having a hard time with appliances lately, but can still nuke a mouse if necessary.
At this time... whereabouts of the mouse are unknown. Mouse is suspected to be armed and dangerous and hiding under the couch where the human is sitting and cat is sleeping. Updates will follow if the cat ever kills the fucking mouse.
2/;30 am: update- cat has been circling couch for about 2 hours. Suddenly, cat hauls ass back into bedroom. I assume in chase of mouse. Strange noises, like very loud ghosts in the night, come from the room. Human has acquired more duct tape. If human could catch both cat and mouse, human would duct tape them together and throw them in a closet for the night. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
8:30 am, Saturday, update: Cat is still chasing mouse. Human can't find any Finishing Schools for cats. Human begs with cat to finish kill. Cat no longer responds to human, cat is infected with mouse fever. Cat has driven human insane. May throw cat out and live in peace with mouse. And the fucking fan is defying the duct tape and resemebles the leaning tower of Pisa.
10:00 update: large mouse so exhausted human threw towel over it, picked it up and turned cat and mouse loose outside and shut door. Peace for now... ahhh....

It's good to be the cat

2009-03-10T13:58:00.003-05:00

My little angel is turning into quite a tree climber, despite this picture that shall embarass her the rest of her life. She is learning to back down a tree instead of the head first method as seen above.
Yesterday, she put on a bigger show since Aunt Jackie came by with cheeseburgers from Bold Springs. Tina climbed a tree in front and jumped right on the roof. Then she couldn't figure out how to get down. The cat that never hears me call her name or try to get her attention while she's "busy" outside, suddenly decided to pay attention to me. I could have played deaf too and ignored her meows. But I am a worried mom. I patted a low part of the roof and she jumped there, then I patted by the roof where the tree was and she jumped over to that area. Then I patted on the tree and she wasn't so sure about that jump. However, she did finally jump to the tree and get down. I believe she might have kissed the ground once on it or maybe she just rolled in the dirt. I don't think she's really deaf outside, but she is a handful and a little shithead. But she's cute and furry. I expect her to be on the roof again soon. Little cute, furry, shithead.

Fuck

2009-03-01T18:08:00.003-06:00

It's my fault. I had to move the fallen suncatcher less than an inch to open the window earlier this week. And... I was on my way home back from my family's place listening to the race on the radio instead of watching on my own TV. I don't know whether it was the suncatcher move or not being at home or both that cursed Matt today. All I know is the race just started on the radio and Matt's engine went kaboom. Last place finish. You can blame me Matt. I hope the reason it happened was because I wasn't watching at home and not the suncatcher move. Sorry I let you down Matt.
I did get to bring home 2 Dad burgers and see some of my nieces and one nephew. Almost worth driving 200 miles and Matt losing the race.

Happy Matt fan!

2009-02-22T22:02:00.003-06:00

Yee-haw!!!! Once again Matt wins! It must be the lucky Kenseth suncatcher that fell off my window before the Daytona race. I haven't moved it since it fell and he won again. I find it interesting how something so small can effect the outcome of two races. I guess his racing ability and his racing team might have something to do with the wins, but I'm not taking any chances on moving that suncatcher.

Beware of meteorites, if they can land in this small town, they can land anywhere. I suspect the aliens that hang out over the area had something to do with it.

Matt wins Daytona 500!!!!!

2009-02-15T18:18:00.007-06:00

I'm so freakin' happy, I've been jumping up and down in my living room with no bra. It's the pain of sweet victory!!! Jeez, even my Dad called me to congratulate me on Matt's win. Of course, I did help Matt win. My Matt Kenseth sun catcher fell off my window the other night. Early this morning, I thought I'd better hang it back up for good luck. It fell down again less than 5 minutes later. I thought this might be a bad omen. But I decided it would be best to leave the suncatcher where it fell. And viola! Matt wins. The suncatcher will remain on the windowsil the rest of the season.

Woo-hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Happy History

2009-01-20T13:10:00.003-06:00

I just have to say what a wonderful day this is in American history. I know, duh. But watching the Inguration was beautiful and I never have watched the ingurations in the past. All the unity, what a sight!
This day gives me hope for this country and the world. May we live in peace, happiness with liberty and justice for ALL.

Un-decorating issues

2008-12-30T19:39:00.004-06:00

I seem to be having technical issues with putting away my Christmas decorations.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T23:21:00.005-06:00

Almost every house in this town has at least 2 lit up deer. Many have 4 and I think we counted as high as 7 or 8 at a couple of houses. Stop with the deer. Enough deer already. My plan to release any mice caught in my live catch mice trap at any house with more than 6 deer did not happen this year. Stupid UPS driver and a cop stopped me from delivering two live mice at the 7 deer house. Bastards. But there's always next year. muwhahahhahahha
I'm still working on that quitting smoking thing. It's a work in progress. Or life in hell.

Still smoke free

2008-11-23T20:21:00.003-06:00

Since the 12th. I lasted 5 days, then smoked 2 days. Then had my last cigarette on the 11th. I don't think I'm as nutty, unfocused, generally confused, etc as I was the first week. I haven't swept the ceilings in a while and have begun cleaning more practical things. I cleaned out a bunch of closets, drawers and cabinets. That activity has slowed as well.

I am no longer allowed to go to the grocery store. I kept buying different foods, like I discovered mozzarella Cheetos. I loved them the first day, hated them the second day, tried some a few days later and liked them again. I kept thinking food would need to replace smoking and even made the comment to Jackie that I made quitting smoking my top priority. That if I had to eat 3 large pizzas at one time to keep from smoking one cigarette, I would. So... I kept buying crackers, cookies, etc. Cooked up a bunch of potato chowder and green chili pork stew and put them in the freezer. They nuke great and beat any pre-packaged frozen food. Anyhow, I finally realized I wasn't eating that much at all and now I have enough food to last probably for a few months. My freezer and pantry are overflowing with food. And I have 3 bags of cat food that are all over 8 pounds each for Tina. I guess if I couldn't smoke, I could shop or something. Don't know. I just need to stop buying more food, except any fresh items. And no more sweeping the ceilings.

But Jackie just made me a pecan pie today and it's all mine!!!!!! Even though I haven't really found myself drawn to food instead of smoking, the pie calls out to me. Eat me. Eat me.

I think Tina appreciates me not smoking. She gets to breathe nice clean air. Though I think my apartments reeks of stale cigarette smoke now and am going to buy stock in febreeze and scented candles. I know somethings are just gonna smell. I've asked for new pillows for Christmas. Eventually, I'll wash all the clothes that still have the lingering smell. I have the ones that I've washed post-smoke and they don't smell bad. I guess it's all a process. I do have to say the Mozzarella Cheetos did save me during one craving spell and taking naps has saved me thru other cravings. Sometimes taking a whiff of something that smells bad from the stale smoke reminds me why I don't want to smoke. It really does stink. And sometimes my brain throws out all logic and almost tricks me into smoking again. It's sneaky like that. The more I fight back, the stronger I become and the quieter that other voice becomes. Most of the time now, I just ask that voice "Why smoke when I don't have to smoke anymore." It has no answer. And my ceilings are cleanish.

Don't ask

2008-11-09T02:28:00.003-06:00

I sit chewing off my right pinky with my back molars, while cracking pecans with my left. Left hand, not molars. Contemplating how I can organize my thumb tacks by color, an old band aid distracts me and another cabinet is reorganized. Some stuff makes a lateral move to JS. Other things are given pink slips with a farewell party to the dumpster. Some will be promoted to Caritas, where it might be able to help someone else. Is this a normal de-cluttering, nut-cracking week?

Hell no. I've had no cigarettes for 3 days. Also, from last Sunday-Wed, I had only 2-3 cigarettes a day instead of 2-3 packs. It began with another one of them, I think I'll quit smoking thoughts. That was on a Friday. By Saturday, I came down with a chest cold. I think this might have been divine assistance in giving me a little extra willpower. I still don't claim to be over this insidious addiction. It lurks around every corner, stalking me, mocking me, keeping me from sleeping any type of normal hours, if at all. But just perhaps, I will keep giving into the insanity of the withdrawals and knowing that the insanity is carrying me to a better place. A smoke free life where I'm no longer a slave to a damn stick that I light on fire and breathe into my poor lungs.

Though you may not want to cross my path for awhile, unless you are bringing me food because I'm also fucking hungry all the time. Which sucks because I know they'll be some weight gain, but I'm sticking with the quitting smoking first, worry about everything else later plan.

Don't forget that JS's birthday is this Wednesday, November 12 or I'll probably squish your heads with my fingers. Unless I chew off my fingers before then and then I'll use my toes.

Tina is still alive and well through this process. She is quite happy to not have smoke going in her face all the time. Smart kitty.

Tina T. is in the house

2008-10-21T11:21:00.001-05:00

Hi, I snagged me a human last week at a nearby Humane Society. It appears my human's previous cat had complications that would require more surgeries with no guarantee of a happy, healthy life. I heard that she got to spend her last couple of days eating chicken and ham and going outside one last time here on this planet.
I wish I got the same food and outside treatment, though sometimes meat turns up in my bowl of crunchies. I have no idea where it comes from. And I only get to look out the windows. I've looked around the edges of the screens and haven't found any weaknesses in this bizarre structure.

However, I came in and took over this place as my home immediately. I've been in shelters since at least May of this year and originally came from the Galveston Humane Society. I was transferred to Houston, I think, before Ike came. Apparently, there's some meaning to my name about escaping Ike or something. I don't really get the joke. Hold on, there's a BIRD outside. Lots of BIRDS!!!! No one really knows my age, my human guesses I'm about 8-9 months old. Where she got me had me listed as 1-2 years old and Galveston said I was born on May 13 and got all my shots on the same day. I'll never tell my age. Somewhere along the way, I was fixed and will be a virgin my entire life and they put some type of microchip in me. WTF? I think it has something to do with my human and the WMD cats. The govt can track her by tracking me.

I know my human still misses her previous cat. Her man even drove up 100+ miles to comfort her and Aunt Jackie has been there for her too. But she's never been without an animal before and she has plenty of room here to house an animal. I'm so happy she got me out of that damned cage. I try to make her laugh often by doing stupid kitten tricks and make her play with me. I tried to run off the counter with a bag of celery yesterday and she thought that was pretty damn funny. I'm still a little klutzy with these long legs and super long tail. I'll probably grow into them eventually. For now, I'm about the happiest kitty on the planet earth. I have a home, food 24/7, can drink water from a dripping faucet and have a cat tower that goes almost to the ceiling. I love sleeping on the top level. Plus, this human likes to pick me up and pet me a lot and I dig that. Oh yes, and the BIRDS right outside the window.

Shorttail

2008-10-04T00:59:00.000-05:00

She's doing really well. It amazes me how quickly animals seem to recover whereas a human would probably be bedridden. I know I'd be wanting a morphine drip or something if I had half my tail amputated. She's already jumping up on the window ledges and on the bed. She missed the first couple of tries on the window ledge. And she wants to go outside. Amnesia? Or maybe she wants to get revenge on whatever did this to her. Can't blame her for that. She is still resting a lot, but each day I see improvement in how she feels. I think her new nickname might be shorttail, but for now she still wants to be told she's the cutest kitty in the world.

Healing thoughts needed please

2008-09-30T23:43:00.002-05:00

Peaches the cat had 1/2 her tail amputated yesterday and had surgery to stitch her rear end back together. I'm just gonna copy/paste an email I sent out to my man and to JS earlier. And thanks so much to JS for her help.

She's home and resting on the couch. A very unhappy kitty. She's gonna be ok. She had disolvable stitches on her innards and stitches that will need to be removed in 10-14 days on the outside. They had to shave what's left of her tail and a good portion of the back of her body. She's in pain, but that's keeping her resting. She did drink some water and eat a bit when she got home. She ate at the vets too and had two bowel movements so her digestive system is working. He said she has a touch of blood in her urine and to keep an eye on that and the wounds are still seeping a little blood. Again, it's mainly my job to watch her now and give her lots of love. He said to keep the conehead off until she starts trying to clean or scratch the area. She already tried a little, but she's passed out now. I'm afraid she's gonna be a tailless cone head for awhile. I'm to keep her on the anti-biotic and bring her back in about 10 days. Call if anything seems wrong. He believes that a car ran over her tail. That she was in motion (running) and that is what caused the tearing. The break would have been were the tire actually ran over and broke that part of the tail. She has used at least one of her 9 lives and thinks cars suck.

Many Storms

2008-09-17T23:12:00.001-05:00

The hurricane went well enough east of here that we only had some wind up to 40 mph and a few sprinkles of rain. As you probably have seen in the news, the devastation in the Gulf is terrible. The financial markets are another unpredictable storm. I have no investments, but I know the economy is fucked. I don't even feel safe leaving money in my bank account. Yes, I know I'm a tad on the paranoid side, but maybe the days of hiding cash under the mattress are returning again. It's a crazy world.

The Amish life fascinates me. The financial storms do not affect them. If a neighbor's house burns down or floods, the entire community comes out like worker ants and rebuild the house in record time. If the electricity goes out, they wouldn't even notice. They farm their own food, make their own carriages, their own clothes, everything they need. To live that way would be freedom from this fast paced technological madness.

I'm not sure I could live that way since I have grown up spoiled by the "normal" American way of life. But a child born into that world knows no other way and learns at an early age how to survive. If technology fails us, that child would know more than most of us. Sometimes, I wish I was that child. What freedom that would be. No Starbucks, no age-defying creams, no Rambo movies. The three things I just listed are things I have never used and in the case of Rambo, I've never seen one of those movies. It's my small way of not giving into this society that we've created. These things are of no use to me. I don't know where I'm going with this post. Just thinking out loud. I think there are more storms on the horizon and most of us are not prepared. Including me. But maybe we can learn.

blah, blah

2008-09-12T09:55:00.001-05:00

Fine. I'm blogging. But you can't make me blog. I can't even make me blog. I am currently on hurricane and JS watch. Glued to the weather channel, I occasionally think of what in my yard could become a projectile in high winds. I had found some lovely Gargoyles in a dollar store in another city to add to my front door protection field. I have decided they are worthy of being protected from a storm that may or may not cause small animals to fly through the air in my secret location, a couple hundred miles away from the coast. Later, I will assist JS in securing valuables on her porch. We are armed with batteries, flashlights, ice coolers, canned food, bread, water and enough candles to light up the town. The power dare not go out for it fears our force of preparation. I told JS last night, this is when my paranoia is a good thing. I keep about 10 gallons of bottled water, maybe 20 cans of veggies, some pork n beans, peanut butter, nuts, canned fruit on hand. And JS has procured bread as of this am. Do not fear for us. Fear for the pints of Blue Bell ice cream in my freezer that were on sale Wednesday for 10 pints for $10. Many of these will be a loss should we lose power.

I still battle the smoking thing. Some might think that because I am currently seeing a man who is a non-smoker that I might find some inspiration to quit. Nah. I just smoke outside when I go visit him some 100 miles to the south of my secret location. He is a man from my past, about 5 years ago we were an item. Meeting about once a month halfway between our cities. That previous half way point is just down the road from here. I let him go because he was looking fora wife and wanted children. I didn't want children and didn't want to hold him back from finding what he wanted. He now has decided on a doberman instead of children. He emailed me about two months ago. Since then, I have made the trek to his place about 3 times. The Peach cat is not amused when her mom goes out carousing. Though I do come home happy. And she is visited by the walking can of canned food, Aunt Jackie. He was going to come up here this weekend, but alas, a hurricane is apparently not a good time to travel. He appears to be far enough west of landfall that the winds may actually be stronger up north here.

I must go now to continue my tropical storm wind warning preparations, including aiming projectiles towards other neighbors apartments. I have no idea how that garden spade ended up nearly cutting of your arm, really. And that philodendron that smacked you upside the head? Did the plant survive?

No, Nit Wit

2008-07-28T02:19:00.001-05:00

I'm still smoking. I did quit last week for almost 3 days. I was just hours short of the 72 hour mark and went bananas. Curse this little town for having 3 gas station/ convenience stores open 24 hours a day. No, don't curse this town. I like it here. I figured I'd get up the guts to quit again, but so far haven't. I decided to listen to one of those subliminal stop-smoking CD's tonight and my CD player won't work. Earlier JS reported her DVD player is dead. I think there may be a gremlin around this town.

This attempting to quit smoking and back to smoking and quitting and back has turned my life upside down. I'm now a smoking vampire. I'm lucky if I can fall asleep before 5am and then sleep a good part of the day. Of course, it has been over 100 degrees out the past several days and is predicted for the next month to remain the same. The nights are cooler and it cools down so much quicker out here at night than in the city.

Then I will get my mind set on something, like around 4am Thursday? night or so, I was thinking about how the apartment manager has ordered us not to water the grass. She doesn't want to mow it, but she's pocketing the budget for lawn maintenance into her own bank account. The words you are responsible and may water "your own flower beds" have been posted. I decided that night that the wandering jew in my flower bed was not planted by me and started yanking it out and throwing it into the no water zone or the area that is known as "not my flower bed." It was cathartic. Or I start on a cook fest at about midnight and cook up enough pasta for several days. Chicken Alfredo, plain egg noodles with butter (one of my favorites) and then last night it was spaghetti. I made enough spaghetti to feed the town, but decided to put some of it in the freezer for later for myself.

Uhhhh.... where was I going? No, I haven't quit yet. I lost the desire to try to quit. And people telling me their bad health or friend/family death by cigarette stories doesn't inspire me. If anyone is trying to quit, the website whyquit.com has some excellent info and a book in pdf form that can be downloaded for free. It talks about nicotine addiction and has all sorts of pointers about quitting and it's free unlike several others out there that want money for their books. And I'm just rambling, but I posted.

I quit smoking

2008-07-17T01:59:00.004-05:00

for a day and a half. Then started smoking again. I'm gonna quit this Friday, again. Now I don't need any of you negative ninnies getting on my case. Is the plural of ninny, ninnies? Or is it like person vs. people? Ninny vs. niple. Wow, I didn't see that one coming until I wrote it and then cracked myself up. I think my cat laughed too. Yes, I know nipple is misspelled but there's not two p's in people. Wait, yes there is. Fuck it.

So I'm doing this cold turkey. I'm an all or nothing type of person. I can't just have one. Ask me about being an alcoholic. No, don't ask. I haven't drank in almost 10 years, so alcohol doesn't bother me. I mean like being around it. Now with smoking, I watched some movie and someone lit up a smoke and man, my cravings went through the roof. Not literally. But I started thinking, they can smoke, why can't I? The bastards. Wait, I can too smoke, I'm the one making myself quit. Why do I want to quit. I love smoking. And my little brain goes on and on.

And to keep from killing anyone who knocks on my door, I'm going to copy the creepy neighbor dude and put up a "No Trespassing" sign in my apartment window too. I'm still jealous that he thought of it first. I'm hoping to get one with the adage that "violators will be shot" so I can one up him.

I'm still not sure why I'm doing this quitting smoking thing. No one is making me (as if they could) and there's been no change in my health that is making me decide to do this. Maybe it's just time.

I hope everyone is doing well and that your life is moron free. And maybe, you'll see a dick parade soon.

The I Hate Tuesday's rant

2008-07-08T21:26:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I did a Tuesday rant. It needed to be done.

I had verbal communication with 5 people today. Live people, not over the phone, not over the blog, not over email, but in person. That's 4 too many people for the day. My serenity is gone. My human contact force field has been breached. I had contact with 3 cats today. Animals are much more fun than humans, usually. I have two cats fighting through a closed window as I writing this. Yes, two pussies are fighting over me. That doesn't seem right. Need more dogs, I mean men. Need to go to hardware store and smell testosterone.

Then after I get my man fix, people must go. There's too many of you. Go away. Quit asking me to take you to get kolaches and knocking on my fucking door every half hour from 8am-12pm while I ignore you. You knock on my door before 11am and I'm ignoring you the rest of the fucking day. Quit sitting on your porch in your wheelchair where I have to make small talk with you even though your fucking cat bit my ankle and the scars are probably permanent while your other pussy is harassing mine through the window. Oh shit, she's getting really loud. May take water hose to neighbor's pussy. Was pondering the thought of going to Hell-mart tonight, but I think it's best for the people at that store that I don't go. I think they sell guns there, don't they? Probably in Texas they do. Might be more fun though to buy rubber bands and shoot those at people off my fingers. Right in the back of the head. Or in the ass. Whichever is larger. They have too many security cameras at Hell-mart. Bastards.

Yep, ok... will take my meds now. Breathe in, breathe out. I feel much better now after venting.

ooopppps... wrote it and forgot to post it. I'll back date it to Tuesday night when I wrote it and none of you will ever know. muwhahhahahaha

Throw Ice Cubes

2008-07-02T20:41:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am bringing back the "Throw Ice Cubes" campaign once again. I believe that this could not just cool off summer, but help global warming as well. Just throw ice cubes out on the ground (be careful around plants or you make freak them out thinking it's the first freeze of the season or something) or if you live near a pond, river, crick, ocean or lake. Anywhere. Throw ice cubes.

I mean our freezers are just sitting there ummm, freezing. And probably have ice cubes that smell like last years leftover Thanksgiving turkey. Fill up those ice trays and help global warming!!! If we put enough ice back onto the Earth, maybe the polar bears will have more ice this winter. Those cute furry polar bears. It could work. Screw all those expensive scientific studies, I give this advice for free. Get a billion people throwing ice every day and viola! The climate cools down. And you people with those automatic ice cube makers that have ice out the wazoo have no excuse to have the bins overflowing with precious life saving ice cubes. Throw those ice cubes outside now!!!

This has been a public service announcement from Babs of the West.

A re-occurring nightmare

2008-06-18T23:03:00.002-05:00

This dream always has me moving physical items, I know I have an apartment some place else, but I'm still at my parents and I have lots of crap still at their house. There's always some reason why I can't move the stuff. This time it was because it was dark outside and I couldn't drive. I was frustrated because I'm always packing and sorting in these dreams.

I decided I was tired of this and needed to take action. I decided to start moving items into my car so I could leave first thing in the morning and go to my home. I never want to be there at my parents. There is turbulence and anger in the air. I was unmaking the bed and the sheets were mine, but intertwined with them was a blanket that might have belonged to my step-mom, but I didn’t know who it belonged to. So it went into another pile. I realized there were so many piles of things, all physical items. They were on the floor spread out in many rooms. Some things my step-mom put away to try to tidy up and I had to pull my things back out. She’s always angry at me in the dreams. And I feel like I’m a bad person. I realized that I’m still very angry and hurt by what she did at a time when I was so broken. I know she knew not what she did, but my anger is still hurting me. I’m still trying to sort out what is mine and what is hers in my dreams, represented by physical items to move.

I normally wake from this dream and feel bad, but this time I don’t. I never knew the meaning before. The sorting and packing over and over again. The houses are always different and sometimes I have two different apartments, my old one and where I live now and I have even more things to sort out. I’m not sure how to do this. It may be that time will take care of the wounds. I already feel stronger and don’t fear the dream anymore. Maybe next time, I’ll just pack up and leave. And perhaps some things need to be left behind.

Birdseed

2008-06-11T00:30:00.001-05:00

It is unwise to stand downwind while filing up bird feeders with birdseed. It really hurts when the wind blows birdseed into the eye.

I would think it would also be unwise to lay in the grass with birdseed in your eye. I'm not gonna try that one. Those peckers probably hurt.

Whacko

2008-06-07T11:17:00.001-05:00

We went to Whacko because JS can't hear shit. It was neat. The end. Ok, I'm posting because JS brought me a chocolate kolache this morning.

They have lots of stores in Whaco. Almost reminds me of my home town, but with less bullets flying over head. Lots of stores where screaming to come in like Michael's, the arts and crafts store, and Barnes and Noble. However, my checkbook spoke louder. It knows I lose all control in stores like these and think I spend like I just won the fucking lottery or something. Danger. Danger.

We get to the ear store and they have lots of pictures of famous people and other crap on the wall to attempt to impress you, except lack of credentials. I was suspicious, but then my paranoia can be a good thing in situations such as these. The woman who did JS's exam did have a degree on the wall in the exam room. However, when she asked JS to strip naked and go into some booth, I was really concerned. I stayed in the exam room so JS could have her naked booth privacy. I glanced at the pictures of the ear on the wall and discovered that we have corn and beans in our ears. That could be a problem.

They came back and the woman, I don't think she was a Dr., confirmed that JS can't hear shit. It took the power of 10,000 invisible little men to keep my jaw from dropping to the floor when she said the top of the line hearing aides were $6000 and the lowest was like $1500. What the fuck? And I thought I was insane. Then she tried to show JS this shit called financing that was really a fucking credit card. True it's a credit card for only medical purposes, but I had one of those puppies before and it's a credit card that charges something like 25% interest. Then I asked how long hearing aides last. She said about 5 years. I said so it's $1000 a year basically for a hearing aide? Now she did say if JS's hearing changes, they can change the hearing aide's programming and she wouldn't need a whole brand new one or two actually since it's both ears. She didn't specifically state there was a cost involved in adjusting the hearing aide, but I think it was implied. I forgot to ask how much batteries are for a fucking $6000 hearing aide and how often those needed to be changed. When she turned away, I mouthed the one word I knew JS would understand, "Fuck." Amazingly, she understood.

JS is now armed with google and attempting to find something a hell of a lot more reasonable that $6000 fucking dollars. Until then, I told her to play it up and use it to her advantage. If someone says something and you want to ignore them, pretend you didn't hear. Other than that, tell people to speak the fuck up. And she did just that when we stopped at Sonic and the little voice came over the speaker "mwuefbagiaerywaberg a?" JS said you're gonna have to speak up. But I liked the part better when she pressed the button and told them "I didn't get any mustard with my corn dog and that's illegal in the state of Texas." I'm still in shock over the price and will continue to speak clearly to JS. I know the people at work are making fun of her hearing and I may go kick their asses. There, I posted.

I have a pink flamingo

2008-05-21T00:47:00.002-05:00

on a stick and I'm not afraid to use it. Plus a WMD cat that plays with her dead mice. I am also forming an army of ants to take over the world. They have more motivation that the cockroach armies of the past. I gave the ants ground red pepper and they some how mutated. More on this when the ants allow me to speak freely. PS... JS, the ants said they know about my recent inquiry into the strategic alliance of corn meal. They are not amused.

Cat and mouse

2008-05-06T15:01:00.007-05:00

Tired of looking at my feet? Have a look at my cat and her first field mouse catch. She was quite proud of this and let me take a series of photos of her playing with the dead critter. She is a WMD cat.

The bite healeth

2008-04-29T13:11:00.002-05:00

Very slowly it has healed. No thanks to the local doctor who looked at it last Thursday and said, "It looks better." Without even thinking about it, I replied in warp speed, "No it doesn't." I might have even spoke in Klingon too as he said he didn't know what else he could do for it, wrote a prescription for a different anti-biotic, sent me on my way as he was running late for his dentist appointment, then charged me $40. I canceled the follow up appointment. Did some searching on the web. It was pretty, well... not so pretty. but was obvious that edema had set in. I elevated the foot as high as possible and stayed off it as much as possible.

This was at the worst of the swelling and doesn't show the other two bite marks on the right side of the ankle. All 4 fangs got me good. It was a vampire cat I tell you, a vampire.

The swelling has gone down so much and the bites are even scabbing over now. There's still some pain across the top of the foot between the bites. The most frustrating thing has been taking it easy. My foot had gone numb from the edema so I wasn't feeling pain in it anymore for a few days. Almost thought I could walk around on it all I wanted. Once I started elevating it, the pain returned when walking which meant the numbness was going away. I'm at the point now where I can walk around on it to do a little bit each day. But if I over extend it, it swells up again. JS has continued to be a big help. I think I may owe her free meals at Pizza House or the new Mexican restaurant in town for life. She's gone to hell-mart for me twice now, the first time for drugs and then yesterday for diet cherry coke, the nectar of the goddess of diet coke varieties.

Since the cat bite, I have been presented with other animal biting opportunities. This weekend, 2 stray male pits where running lose in the mustang farmer's field and one of them was on this side of the fence one day when Peaches was out somewhere. Not feeling like having another limb bitten, I simply yelled at the dog the traditional Texas "GIT" and he spoke Texan and hauled. Last night, a baby bunny was running around in the plants under my windows. JS had come by from hell-mart and I got a flashlight and we found it, but it was injured and running around in circles. I thought about putting on my gardening gloves and trying to round it up on the dustpan to put it back over the fence where it's parents where sitting. But I thought to myself... "Self, how bad do you really want another animal bite and possibly from a rabid animal?" Sadly, I left baby bunny alone to fate. The world is full of critters that want to bite me. And one pissed off neighbor too. Oh well. I have a habit of pissing off neighbors simply by being me. Fuck 'em and may the goddess bless us all.

Bite me

2008-04-23T03:24:00.003-05:00

When I was younger, when something would bite me, my Dad would always ask, "Did you bite it back?" Spider, mosquito, fly, whatever it was, he gave the same response. Come to think of it, he still gives the same response. I haven't told him about the latest bite, but he'd probably think I should return the favor to the biter.

So as soon as my neighbor's fucking cat gets out of quarantine, I'll go bite the hell out of it's foot and see how it likes it. I guess the good news is I don't have to be quarantined and I'm not foaming at the mouth except when I scream in pain trying to take one step. The son of a bitch got me good. Saturday evening, I left my apartment to go let JS's cat into her apartment and my neighbor's cat "Baby" was on my porch. My WMD cat came out the door with me. She is a known killer of small animals and has bullied this cat before. I thought they had come to a pussy truce as neither of them have attacked each other and they've been allowing him outside for a couple of weeks now. Anyhow, to get past him, I used my foot to try and persuade him to move back and what does he do? Sinks in with all four fangs as hard as he could. To continue trying to get him the fuck off my porch, I switched over to a trusty tree limb that I saved purposely to break up cat fights from my bully cat and it's about perfect as a walking stick. This psycho hose beast cat went nuts attacking the shit out of the tree limb. Better than another limb of mine.

I went and did all the stuff you're supposed to do. Clean the wounds, poured hydrogen peroxide all over it, applied pressure to stop the bleeding and then anti-biotic cream and bandages. I walked over to JS's and let her pussy inside and then back over here to my neighbor's. It's actually my neighbor's daughter's pussy but is staying at the neighbor's. She said the cat wasn't allowed out anymore, etc. And the cat and I had been friends before that. I had even picked it up and brought it in for my neighbor who has such a bad back, can barely walk or sit up but for a few minutes. I've been helping her out since her female cat had kittens and her daughter has been in a pissy mood not doing all the things she's supposed to do to take care of her mom. She's even paid through some home health service to help her mom.

The foot didn't start hurting until a few hours later and was so fucking painful, I could barely sleep Saturday and Sunday, It continued to swell and get redder and redder with the pain starting to move up my leg. JS took me to the doctor Monday morning (it's my right foot so no driving) and I got a tetanus shot, some anti-biotics and a pain med. At least the pain meds make it so I can sleep and my foot doesn't hurt when I'm sitting still doing nothing. Walking on it is still fucking painful as all hell and all sorts of cuss words come flying out of my mouth as I walk. I have a fever, they think the infection got into my bloodstream, etc. I asked the doc if he could just numb my foot with a shot and he laughed at me. Trust me, JS has seen me trying to walk and she knows it hurts like hell. And she has been such a huge help. She even went to hell-mart to get my prescriptions on her day off work. That's a true friend right there. She's brought me dinner twice, milk, some frozen food and adhesive tape for gauze as changing 4 separate band aids 2 or 3 times a day was really starting to get on my nerves. I see the doc again Thursday morning. Giving the anti-biotic a few days to start working. So far the only difference is there is more nasty oozing puss out of 2 of the wounds. Maybe the anti-b's will start working better soon. I freakin' hope so.

This is turning into a cat blog without me even trying.

Another day in the hood

2008-04-16T06:07:00.007-05:00

Tired, tired. little sleep. Baby lost in field. Stubborn Siamese. Won't come over the fence or under fence. Wait and watch. Mustang farmer on golf cart chased by 2 dogs. Jump up as golf cart stopped. Baby seen. Baby hide under Stang. Mustang farmer yells dogs go home. Farmer searches for Baby. Stubborn runs farther and hides. Left on his own. Spoke with Mustang Farmer. Heard from Troy the phone guy that Mustang Farmer used to be in racing but had a foot accident. Knew he walked with limp. Loves Mustangs. Sometimes rebuilds one and races it around field. Like Mustang Farmer better now. Call neighbor. Her daughter's Baby still in field. Daughter let Baby out, if he doesn't come home on his own, what can ya do. Neighbor door blows open in wind. David changed door handle and won't stay shut. Mama cat out. Go back to kittens. Meow sleep little kitten. Can't get much done. Growl hiss big kitty. Kitten bite toe, climb shirt, pee on West News, follow feet everywhere. Can't move, kitten sleeping. Not supposed to be here this late, but Linda's gone to sleep. Don't wake her. Watch kitten. Try laundry with kitten.Wake nest of birds above laundry mat. Kitten cries when gone. Big cat hisses and growls. Tennis Elbow acting up. Must stop not playing tennis. Call Jackiesue to get laundry out of dryer. She mad. Must bow down and find her some lederhosen. Restless sleep kitten on neck. Kitten biting my butt. Did Baby make it home? Don't know. Awake too soon. It's still dark out. David changed light. Can see in dark. See Mama cat outside again. Worry kittens alone all night and mama outside. Linda door open again. Take kitten to mama and try to close door and secure other WMD cat potentials.

The Eyes of Texas are upon me

2008-04-14T20:47:00.003-05:00

The eyes of Texas are upon me,
All the live-long day.
The eyes of Texas are upon me,
You cannot get away.
Do not think you can escape them,
At night or early in the morn.
The eyes of Texas are upon me,
Till Gabriel blows his horn.

I swear I'm going to turn this into a cat blog.

Sometimes ya just feel

2008-04-10T23:43:00.006-05:00

Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”

The Great Toad of Protection

2008-04-01T20:27:00.004-05:00

This Great Toad of Protection sits proudly out front of my apartment. Just to the right side of my door as people come up the walk. And to find this Great Plastic Toad of Protection at a dollar store for a dollar, what luck have I. The only thing better was if it was at the thrift store for 10 cents, but still, fully worth a dollar.

Because it, The Great Toad of Protection, protects me from Evil Soul-Sucking Garden Gnomes. Like when JS made the attempt to put "dud" the Evil Soul-Sucking Gnome it my flower bed. BTW, she just found my revenge in her closet last Saturday before she went to the Democrat thingy as an Obama delegate. Still need to pay her back for signing me up as an alternate and yes, they did call me to attempt to guilt me into going. I said no and gave no excuses why I couldn't go. I believe no is enough. Reasons or excuses are unnecessary. I voted, I don't want to be a freakin' delegate. Jackie is enough delegate for this entire town.

How did I get off to that topic. I had no planned post. This just spewed out. But I'm damn lucky to have The Great Toad of Protection and thought it deserved a place on the blog. It can protect me here as well from Evil Soul-Sucking Gnomes. I'm telling ya'.... Gnomes are everywhere! Hurry to Family Dollar and see if they still have any of these beauties left before it's too late for you.

Libel! Slander! Babs tells all....

2008-03-25T14:16:00.002-05:00

So it seems I've been called a name on Jackiesue's blog. and via email and over the phone and in person. I'm expecting a post card any day now. I'm fairly sure that Hallmark doesn't make cards that say, "you are a pussy." Don't worry, I already planted my revenge a week or so ago (it still awaits discovery) for the evil soul-sucking garden gnome she attempted to hide in my flower bed. I saw that gnome before she even got around the corner. She even named it "Dud". Now I have to plan another revenge for this latest name calling incident. I have a great plan that a little bird told me, but I have yet to find what I need to implement the project.

So, why the name calling? All because I didn't want to go to this well screening thing that would tell me horrific things like if I have a clogged artery or a brain aneurysm or prostate cancer. Maybe not the last one. I have reasons I did not choose to go and I don't give a flying fuck who calls me a pussy because I chose not to participate.

One, I don't want to know. Really. I've lived with the philosophy that I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and be gone. However, since I no longer live in a town big enough to have city buses, the likely hood of being hit by a city bus has dropped dramatically. That alone raises my life expectancy a shit ton. But ya, I don't want to know if I'm about to have a heart attack. If I have one, then I'll know.

Two, I don't trust those scanning machines. I don't even know what the fuck they are using to scan me. They could be aliens masquerading as humans. And I currently have no physician or medical insurance, but if they found something... it would follow me around on a record and any future insurance can deny me because of a pre-existing condition. Isn't Google or someone starting to store all our medical information on a centralized computer network? I don't believe that medical records are private. Just ask my shrink, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean my medical records are safe.

Plus, I just really don't want to know. If that makes me a pussy, then I'll go purr.

Uncanned Spam

2008-03-16T08:47:00.001-05:00

We interrupt this blogger's block to bring you breaking news.... Yesterday around 5ish pm, Babs was alone in her apartment watching NASCAR. She left her door cracked open so the WMD cat could go outside into the lovely weather at her pleasure. Suddenly, a voice called out... "BABSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" She knew this voice and was familiar with the calling out loudly through the door, but the horror at the door was completely gruesome.

A neighbor know only as "CB" was standing in the doorway with an offering. In her hand, loosely wrapped in a paper towel, was the most disgusting thing in the world. Uncanned Spam. "Would you like this SPAM? I just opened it." Babs replied with a no, I don't like SPAM, while trying not to gag at the chunk of pink goo hanging slightly outside of the paper towel. "Are you sure?, the beast continued, "It's so expensive, I'd hate to throw it out." Again, Babs held back the urge to scream, "Get behind thee, Spam!!!!" Instead, she suggested that CB put it in a plastic bag and stick it in her own fridge. The Spam was never seen again by Babs who innocently questioned, why the fuck CB opened the Spam if she wasn't going to eat it or do whatever people do with Spam. And why the hell torture her with such an evil offering?

Friends don't let friends eat Spam. And don't ever bring Spam to a neighbor. ESPECIALLY, uncanned Spam.

Blogger's Block

2008-03-08T22:27:00.001-06:00

I think my brain went on strike. There's no new episodes in the works. A picket line is forming outside my apartment with garden gnomes demanding better working conditions. Freaky little creatures. In the past, sometimes when I blog about not being able to blog, I start blogging again. Maybe it will work this time, who knows.

Along with the blogger's block on writing blogs, I haven't been reading other blogs. My blogging motivation has taken a vacation. I haven't even posted about CB trying to give me her meals on wheels. Their version of beef stew looks like someone threw-up with red beets on the side. Oh... she also brought me tater tots that she didn't finish. However, they were in a large styrofoam container that she ate out of and so they were mixed with some gravy and crumbs of whatever she ate and just eeewwwwww. I will turn down any styrofoam containers in the future as I do the meals on wheels. At least she brings candy sometimes. And refrigerator magnets. Like a snowman magnet that has ski poles in each hand and a place in his belly to put a picture about the size of my thumb. I suppose I could take a picture of my thumb and put it in the snowman belly.

Okay, there's my attempt at blogging. Change your fucking clocks to spring forward tonight.

A Day on The Town

2008-02-29T11:16:00.003-06:00

Or is it in the Town? JS has been waiting for me to post about it. Wench.

It all started with me calling JS and saying I was going to the dollar stores and asking if she needed anything. She says she'll come with me as she needs to go to town too. Yes, we do live in the town, but about a mile away from the stores. I mention maybe getting some BBQ for lunch. So.... off we go

1st stop... Caritas. The thrift store. JS makes me get on a bench to reach the top shelf for some canisters for sugar, flour, etc. A set of 3 with bluebonnets on them. She gets after me because I have flowery decorative shit in my place. I mention they are flowers. But the great JS says, they are Texas flowers and that's different. We didn't cause too much of a ruckus there.

Next... Dollar General. I go gaga over gardening stuff. I'm looking for unusual stuff to put in my garden. JS keeps pushing the gnomes. I will never have gnomes in my garden. NEVER.

Next... hardware store. JS goes on in while I smoke a cig. I go back to the clearance area and yell for her. She can't hear me. Eventually, we bump into each other. Again, we don't make much of a ruckus. Of course, I keep saying that. But when JS and I go shopping, we are in our own little world and the rest of the scene is background. We shout at each other, make rude comments about things. Play with shit and basically act like no one else is around. So... we may be making a ruckus but I don't notice. It's my world.

Next... JS needs to go to the grocery store that is directly across the street. To me, we can just walk across the street. We've had this discussion before. But JS still insists I back out, turn my car around and park in front of the store that is directly across the street. Why? I'll never know.... We all have our own little idiosyncrasies.

Then, we go get lunch. The BBQ/dank dark bar has a smoker out front that smells so awesome. We stand and just smell for a bit. JS discusses something about some Polka band coming to town with the owners. I'm just not into Polka, but apparently... this is a big deal that this band is gonna play at this place. JS plays some pool. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone about it. I'm not a pool player so I'm not sure how many shots it's supposed to take to get the balls in the pockets. We eat. We leave and stand in front of the smoker again. I told JS that it's like perfume to attract men. Should have done that before going to the hardware store.

Next... the other dollar store. JS can't find the spices and terrorizes the employees. Janis Joplin comes on singing Bobby McGee and we both start a duet on different isles of the store. People beg us to stop. I look for more gaudy lawn crap. I find an seriously ugly ass plastic toad for a dollar. What a deal! JS once again tries to pimp garden gnomes. I look at more wall art. The dude that banned me from buying any more wall art isn't working. But I contained myself and didn't buy wall art. I did get a bird on a stick. JS gets offered a job. We should sing more often on our outings.

Next... the other grocery store. They had bluebell on sale, but it had been picked through and they had no Tin Roof left. I had stopped buying any Bluebell ice cream when they stopped making Tin Roof. This year, it appears Tin Roof is back and I'm a happy camper.

This is what happens when you tell someone you're going to the dollar stores and do they need anything. Fuck, I was wore out. It was a lot of fun, but I think we should only terrorize a couple of stores a day. Not all of them on the same day. We need to spread our sunshine out throughout the week.

I did go to the dollar store yesterday to pick up some pepto for JS. I told Sara behind the counter the JS had the drippy shits. muwhahhahahaha

Now, JS will probably have a much better version of this. Maybe she'll post about it. And I promise to post a picture of the fugly toad. And a list of items that CB has brought over during the past week.

What???

2008-02-23T15:41:00.002-06:00

I know y'all are just sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting for me to do a new post. Sometimes checking several times a day. "Has she posted anything yet?" "I've just got to know what's going on with Babs." "I need my Babs fix." And I keep stringing you along. Not posting anything. Being totally selfish by remaining silent.

And now, I'm taunting you. Making you think I have something really important to say. Ok, maybe not really important, but something. Well, I just said something twice. There. Are ya fucking happy now? Good. Because that's all you bitches are getting. You think you can just come on up here in my blog and expect me to tell all. Well, kiss my ass. I'm not telling you a thing.

Okay, I got nothing. The blog well has run dry for now. I got nothing to report. I did change my cell phone to a "go phone." Though I don't quite understand the name as it doesn't "go" or make me "go." But it has a camera and camcorder type thingy. I might have to read the directions to figure out how to do that. And I'm not big on that direction reading thing and all these newfangled devices.

And I've been letting the WMD cat outdoors some. She's used to having that high and mighty 3rd floor balcony where she could look down upon the world from her ivory tower. No more! She has room to roam, but has realized there's this thing called people out there. And just wait till she runs into a dog or another cat. So far, I've been allowed to witness these outings and she's been keeping me close to home. But she's been looking at the field of mustangs. And she wants to walk by the apartment of the guy that has a "NO TRESPASSING" sign in his apartment window. I've got to teach her to read. He's a little scary looking. Even when Jackie saw him, she told me to keep my doors locked. I mean, who puts a no trespassing sign in their apartment window and why didn't I think of it first?

Plan Foiled

2008-02-19T00:24:00.003-06:00

Hmph. The step-mom foiled Operation Shake Cat and avoided spending all but 5 minutes in my apartment. Those sneaky parents called early. WAY earlier than their planned arrival and offered to take me to lunch. So, even though excess cat fur was unnecessary, I got a free lunch and they were gone before the Daytona 500 started. My opinions regarding the stupid fucking idiot teammate that wrecked Matt are on my other blog.

The visit was fairly painless, but the owner of the chicken joint where we went is a fan of he who shall not be named on my blogs. I nearly gagged when the girl behind the counter told me his driver and that was why they would have the 500 on in the dining room. He did change the lettering on the chicken sign to "at least it wasn't Kyle Busch", according to reports from JS. I do agree with him on that, but I do like the driver that won the 500. Though I am unsure as to if I will eat at an establishment where the owner is a fan of Jef... I mean he who shall not be named.

As far as the virgin Mary statues from the dollar store... they didn't have any at the dollar store where I can return stuff. I lost my return privileges at one of the two dollar stores in town during my "must re-decorate with all new wall art" phase after I returned half of what I purchased. I think he said I can't return anything for 2 more weeks and said I can't purchase any more wall art. He may or may not be joking about that last part. I'm off to making good impressions in this town! I did by one piece of wall art at the other dollar store that has a little kincaid picture and scripture from John. The one about not walking in the shadows, but walking in the light. I kinda like it. I think I may leave it up on the wall. Oh no! It jumped off the wall and is attacking me....aghhhhgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

The parents are coming

2008-02-15T09:28:00.001-06:00

Oh my! Though they said it would be a brief visit as they are stopping by here on their way back home. I'm happy I'll get to see my Dad.
I've been planning how to prepare for their arrival...

1. Make plans to clean apartment, do nothing.
2. Shake cat in hopes that excess cat fur makes allergic step-mom want to leave ASAP.
3. Collect cat fur from neighbors and encourage them to shake their cats to produce optimal amount of fur. Add fur to air filter in the central heat/ac unit and all sitable furniture. Is sitable a word?
4. Shave head and tell them God told me too. Wait, scratch that one. We know what BriSpe's parents did to her. And it started with the head shaving.
5. Put up Jesus loves you signs everywhere and virgin Mary statues from the dollar store so they will quit bothering me about joining a church here. Return to store on Monday.
6. Smoke a carton of cigs before their arrival to also help step-mom's allergies.
7. Ask step-mom if there is anything else I can do to get her to threaten to divorce my Dad. (I'm still a slight bit bitter about that shit.)
8. Completely ignore them and pretend they aren't here because I'm busy watching the Daytona 500. Only acknowledge them during commercials. (Yes, they are stopping by during the 500. WTF?)
9. Have CB offer them half a bag of generic Fruit Loops. Yep, I got that the other day from her. Maybe I can ask CB to stop by with a half a bag of generic cockroaches instead.
10. Bring Army of Cockroaches back. They are still hiding in a secret location until I call them into service.

GO MATT KENSETH!!!!!!!!!!!

Side-note: If family members are reading this, know this is in jest.

Cooking lessons

2008-02-11T09:41:00.000-06:00

Guess what? I'm going to get cooking lessons from the one and only JS! Yep. I've asked her to show me how to make meatloaf and scrambled eggs. When I make scrambled eggs, they don't turn out anything like hers. And well, meatloaf... I hadn't eaten that since I was forced to as a child. But JS makes damn good meatloaf. Cooking doesn't come naturally for me. Remember back when it was cool to blame your parents for all your faults? I'm going to blame this on my mother who was a horrible cook. Most things she made came out of a box or a can. Mac and cheese, hamburger helper, spaghettios, fried fucking spam and all veggies were canned. Breakfast was always cold cereal. Lunch was a sandwich. Hmmm... that's pretty much my menu still to this day for breakfast and lunch. It was her dinner that always scared me. I grew up not really liking food. It wasn't until I met my ex mother-in-law that I realized dinner could be yummy and gained 30 pounds. I blame her for making me actually like food. The bitch.

It's kinda ironic that my kitchen in my apartment is much larger than JS's, since she's the cook. She's welcome to come to my kitchen anytime! I've told her she doesn't have to cook me sweets, like she's been doing. Since cake mix comes in a box, I know how to cook it, as well as brownies. And I know how to nuke frozen or fresh veggies with the best of 'em. I told JS that I don't eat much meat besides lunch meat because it's a pain to cook and I really don't know how to cook meat besides hamburger on the George. So, I went to hell-mart this morning and got some ground turkey (per JS for the meatloaf) and some other ingredients in preparation. Hey... maybe JS can start her own cooking show by showing a lay-cook like me how to become a super cook. Watch out Rachel Ray. And we wouldn't allow any fucking republican on our show unless we were making pies to throw at them.

Leave my pie alone!!!

2008-02-07T13:28:00.000-06:00

Listen CB, just because you come over here, offering me your unwanted "meals on wheels" lunches or that damn package of gravy mix this morning. Don't you be thinking you can have any of the pecan pie that JS made me. You can keep "borrowing" those leftover plastic grocery bags till doomsday, but you ain't touching my pecan pie. Don't you be drooling over it as I get out of the car and tell me to put a piece on a paper plate for you to pick up later. Don't even look at it. Who the fuck do you think you are? Don't make me bitch slap you. And I don't even have any fucking paper plates, so bite me.

I'm just gonna have to tell her I ate it all and it gave me food poisoning and she might never want to eat anything JS makes. This pie is so damn good, people would start wars over it.

And to think, I left my front door unlocked all afternoon and evening. Someone could have come in and stole my pie while I was napping. I must do better to protect my valuables. This may be a small town, but I know there are pie thieves out there. Lurking in the shadows, hiding in the fields, driving down the highway looking for a place where they can steal some pie. I need a pie safe. Ya... that's the ticket.

Quit even thinking about my pie, you ain't getting none! Mine.... all mine.... It's good to be selfish sometimes.

Update... I wrote this last night. So far, CB knocked on my door twice this morning and I didn't answer. No pie for you!

You had me at Chocolate Massages

2008-02-04T19:36:00.000-06:00

I was driving around town today, trying to get lost. I finding that harder and harder to do, but if there's a way, I can do it. Anyhow, I was listening to the oldies station and they went to commercials....

"Blah, blah, blah, CHOCOLATE MASSAGES, blah, blah, other relaxing blah, blah, spa, blah, blah, v-day, blah, blah, Branson, blah, blah, blah.

I said out loud, "You had me at chocolate massages." I mean, why pay for more advertising? What woman in the world wouldn't hear the chocolate massages part? I've spent awhile trying to determine what might be included in a chocolate massage, being dipped in chocolate and having a rub down in chocolate instead of massage oil, having chocolate licked of your body while indulging in chocolate yourself? Or is it simply a massage where you are force feed chocolate? Being dipped in hot fudge might cause second or third degree burns, but I can't get past those two haunting words, "Chocolate Massages."

This will torment me for some time to come.

Eye Update

2008-02-01T09:16:00.000-06:00

I haven't done one of these in awhile. I drove to Big D on Wednesday to see the retina specialist for a follow up visit on both eyes. Let's see.... the scleral buckle surgery was done in my right eye at the end of March 2007 and the laser or tact weld procedure was done on my left eye in October 2007. Both my eyes are doing well and I don't have to see the Doc for 6 months!

The laser procedure did it's job on the thin spots of my left retina. The laser creates scar tissue that keeps those thin spots from tearing. The tearing of the thin spots is what happened to my right eye. First a tear on the retina and then it detached and then because I waited too long, the retina came off the macula and I lost a considerable amount of vision in my right eye that will never come back. I keep saying this when I do these posts because I still have people hit my blog for loss of vision in one eye searches or flashes of light in eye, etc. DON"T WAIT. Go to the ophthalmologist for a diagnosis immediately and they will usually refer you immediately to a retina specialist if it is a detached retina. If the retina detaches off the macula, then it is unlikely to regain the lost vision. And this detachment can happen in a day. Ok, off my soap box. Trust me, if I could go back and do it all over again, I'd opt for keeping good vision in my right eye.

Now.. I still don't drive at night. I could some in the city on highly lit roads in traffic where I could follow other cars in front of me. Out here, some roads have no lines painted on them and I have almost no depth perception at night. I followed JS when I needed to take my car at night to get it fixed. But as I told her, if she had drove off the road, I would have followed her. Steps can be a problem too if not well lit or if the steps are dark. Like on the city bus where the steps getting on the bus are black. I think I told y'all about that. Coming out of the sunlight onto a dark step and dark bus... well, I went splat on my knee and hand because I missed a step. I still have to close my right eye to fit a key in a lock or hang a plant on a hook, etc. Something about the depth perception I suppose. I have excellent vision in my right eye to about 6-8 inches from my face. The contact lens gives me officially 20/40 vision in that eye, but it's a funky kind of vision. I still have trouble with vertical lines. On the eye charts, the letter E is missing part of the long vertical line on the left, but I can see the 3 horizontal lines ok. And the vision is like looking through a fish bowl or peep hole in a front door. My eye lid still droops in my right eye and the doc said something about it the last time I saw him. It's due to the severity of the buckle in my eye. However, he said surgery could fix it and he could recommend someone. Nope, no surgery is being done anywhere near my eyes unless it's necessary. To me, vanity is not necessary. The lid can droop and it may look a little strange, but I'm not having any sharp objects near my eyes. My remaining vision is too precious to me to risk for just about anything.

SOON

2008-01-28T21:31:00.000-06:00

Yaaaaahooooooooooo

2008-01-27T14:51:00.000-06:00

Sucks and I just had a whole post typed up in yahoo and fucking lost the post and now I'm too pissed to re-write the post. Damn you Yahoo! Get more hamsters and gerbils for your servers.

At least I have home made brownies from Jackiesue.

Mr. Roboto

2008-01-22T08:21:00.000-06:00

I believe with my whole being that this song falls into the category of "what were they smoking and hell no, I don't want any of it." Unfortunately for me, I awoke with this song in my head this morning. Not the whole song. I don't think I know the lyrics for the whole song. Just the first fucking line keeps repeating itself in this mass of misfiring neurons. And today isn't the first day this song or one line from the song has been stuck in my head. It happens often. Way too often. That alone should be enough to drive anyone insane.

In fact, I think I may use it in my search for a new psychiatrist. "What symptoms are you having?"
Well, I get this fucking one line from Mr. Roboto stuck in my head and it won't stop.
"Holy cow!!! We've seen cases of Mrrobotostuckinheadoto before. Please stay away from any tall buildings and come in ASAP. How do you feel about being drugged to the point of becoming comatose?"
If it would get rid of this song in my head, I think I'd go for it. I hate this song.

"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." Damn you Styx for this song.

And no Nitwit, I wasn't kidnapped by CB! Thanks for worrying about me. Mr. Roboto is a far, far more serious problem. Please send help. JS if you read this, please send pecan pie.

The Others

2008-01-18T18:16:00.000-06:00

Now that the whole world knows where I live, I find it harder to blog about "The Others." You know, the other people in town. JS has lived here long enough that she probably doesn't give a hoot who she might offend should they stumble on her blog of the small town. Me... I'm still the outsider. I could write about one czech and piss off half the town. Oh well... here I go.

"CB" lives next door. She just did what I have termed a "drive by." She knocks on my door, offers me something and says a few sentences and leaves. This happens several times a week and since she doesn't stay and yabble, I find it to be funny and not annoying, If she stayed and wanted to chat each time, I would probably hide. Which it's hard to hide. Everyone knows if you're home or not here. They just know.

In the past, I wrote about CB trying to give me half her wardrobe. She's offered a package of hot dogs buns, a pair of warm fuzzy socks and other various items. One night this week she bought me a fake single red rose with a little teddy bear on it. I asked JS if this woman had a crush on me. JS said, "No, you just live next door." Tonight, she dropped by with a single twinkie and a single jello sugar-free chocolate pudding cup. I thanked her and told her how sweet she was. Then she turned to go and wished me a Happy Valentine's day. A quick scan of my brain told me it wasn't February yet. I had only been up from a nap for about 5 minutes, but I knew I didn't sleep through the rest of January. I did not return the V-day wishes. She can drop by strange gifts, but I'm not getting pulled into a time warp.

JS just called and said it was snowing in the rain. I must go look. Maybe CB will see me and I can get another twinkie since I just ate the one she brought me. I haven't had a twinkie in years until now. I'll have to tell you another time about the crappy County MHMR system out here and their 8-9 month waiting list and what hoops I've been told to jump through in an attempt to get a med doc and therapist. Right now I'm just too annoyed by the situation to talk about it.

PS... Jackiesue makes the best cookies!!! And when you're worn out from the county MHMR people, she will even drive into town and pick up your pizza and deliver it straight to your door in 30 minutes or less. Yes, I even tipped her.

The TV is off

2008-01-13T19:46:00.000-06:00

And I don't want to talk about it, Anyway... did you know rabbits eat sunflower seeds? I have been throwing some out on the ground out front and attracted a pair of cardinals and a squirrel. Or maybe more than one squirrel, they all look the same to me. After I cursed at the TV while pushing the off button with superhuman strength... I noticed some critter outside eating the seeds. I got down on my carpet and creept closer to the window to watch. In the darkness out here, it was hard to tell what type of animal it could be. Then it moved and I saw the ears. Still, I wondered if it was really a bunny or some kind of mutated country Czech critter that escaped from some bio genetic farm in Crawford or somewhere. Then I thought of Monty Python.

Lacking a Holy Hand Grenade... I bravely started to stand so the animal would move and I might be able to id this creature. It saw my movement and hopped off into the night. I believe it to be an ordinary bunny, but I've been wrong before. To burn off some of my anger left over from TV, I decided to clean my porch light... because, damn... it was filthy. I'm not sure anyone had ever taken down the light fixture covering the bulb. Having the light fixture cleaned would mean maybe having more than the feeble dimness that was barely able to escape the brown colored glass on the bottom of the fixture. I acquired the necessary tools, a Phillips and a chair. Apparently, the screws weren't holding the fixture up there as it didn't fall when I removed them. No, it was cobwebs and muck. Inside the fixture were several dead decaying bees and a bunch of I don't know what the hell muck. And the bulb had more muck hanging off it as well. I swept the bulb with the broom and cleaned the fixture. Let there be light.

Now I can see better when my crazy neighbor is walking by at night. Today, she brought me a pair of fuzzy socks. When I first moved in, she tried giving me half her wardrobe. Luckily, I am close to a foot taller than her and told her the things wouldn't fit. However, I still ended up with a red Pooh shirt with sparkly flowers and shit. It's hanging in the rear of my closet. Maybe I'll sneak it into JS's apartment sometime.

Okay, I'm just rambling with really no point. This could have been a celebration post, Mr. Clayton (dropsy) and teammates. But nooooooooooooooo.... y'all had to fucking lose the fucking game.

Go away, I have cable

2008-01-10T11:46:00.000-06:00

Yes, the cable man cometh. I'm going to melt into the couch tonight and be a couch potato. I hope there's something decent on TV. I'll be pissed if I got cable and then there's nothing on. I know the playoffs are on this weekend and there is limited coverage of testing at Daytona. And Meerkat Manor re-runs since I missed part of the season and need to catch up on those cute little Meerkats. Oh yes, I have plans! Cable, a couch and popcorn. Watch out world.

In other news, I am beginning to understand the lay out of the town better and can figure out how to get to the 2 grocery stores, the 2 dollar stores and the hardware store without getting lost. I know it's a small town, but I can get lost anywhere. Trust me. It's been a good day. Got the hot water fixed in my kitchen. It was a trickle but David, the apartment hero, figured out that it was turned way down and turned it back up. Very important to have good hot water in the sink since we have no dishwashers in the apartments. He also showed me how to replace the burned out light bulb inside the oven. I have to go buy a little appliance bulb. Apparently, they don't supply light bulbs here. No biggy. I'll probably pick it up on my weekly pilgrimage to the house of satan or otherwise known as Wal-mart. Also, JS has hooked me up with the town mechanic to get my car's oil leak fixed this weekend. I didn't know I had an oil leak until I moved out here where parking spaces are actually clean and you can see your own oil leak, not the leaks that have permanently stained the concrete in the city.

I ran around town with JS yesterday. When we were leaving the dollar store, JS decided to go out to the car but said she couldn't remember which one was mine. I told her it was on the left and was black. I'm a big help. I said to the girl behind the counter, "Wouldn't it be funny if I go out there and she's sitting in the wrong car?" She said something about my mom blah, blah. Yes, she called Jackiesue my mother. I'm still laughing about that. I didn't correct her. Up until that point, everyone that JS had introduced always said something like, "Jackie and I used to get into trouble together." By my estimates, JS has gotten into trouble with at least half the town. The other half she is IN trouble with them. And ask JS about "spurlunk." They made the front page of the weekly town newspaper.

Now go away, I have cable TV to watch.

Field of Wild Mustangs

2008-01-07T11:28:00.003-06:00

Field of wild mustangs and their escort. The view outside my apartment.

There's a few shy mustangs hiding by the barn.

My hot homeless Latino romance

2008-01-05T20:00:00.000-06:00

It was a bright, sunny and unusually warm day in November. Since the homeless shelter kicked us out from 8am-5pm, I decided to park my car at a restaurant that had covered parking and car hops. Perhaps you've heard of this restaurant chain. Anyways... it had been an afternoon hang out of mine during the homeless period of my life. The covered parking provided shelter from the rain, cold wind or sun if it was too warm. And they had happy hour with 1/2 price cokes and slushes from 2-4pm.

At first they thought it was strange that I would sit there for hours and do nothing. Sometimes I'd read a book, talk on the cell phone or just stare blankly at the bright signs trying to get me to purchase 100,001 different drink combinations. The car-hops got to know me. One was a hysterical guy that I question if he was gay or not. I loved talking to him. The other was a short, cocky little shit. Then there was this other grumpy guy that worked in the back of the store or did various things like changing out the signs in all the car stalls. I had seen him walk by almost daily and he never smiled. Sometimes he would grumble something, most times not. One day, I was parked where I could get some sun and I offered to move to a different parking space because I was blocking the sign he needed to change. After that, it began.

At first it was him coming outside more to do things like take out the trash, etc and he would stop by my car and talk a little bit. Then one day, he said he was thinking about asking me for my phone number. But he didn't, so I didn't give it to him. The girls back at the shelter thought this was hilarious. But he didn't ask, he said he was thinking about it. I went ahead and gave him my number about a week later. We sat in my car and talked sometimes when he got off work. Most days he got off work at 5:30 and I had to be back at the shelter at 6:15 for my chore.

He talked about being my future husband and having kids. I didn't respond much to those comments. He was 5 years my junior and said age didn't matter. He didn't want me to move out of the city. He was Hispanic, born in America. He spoke perfect English, but with a hint of an accent that indicated his parents still spoke Spanish when he grew up. If you live in an area with a high Hispanic population, you probably know what I'm talking about on the accent. He was also taller than most Hispanics at 6'1" and since I'm not usually attracted to short men, this was a plus. And he had really, really, really large hands. And he was the bad boy that us women are attracted too, but should stay far away from. There's something about those bad boys. He complained about the back of my car being full of stuff. It was my MSU (Mobile Storage Unit). We made out in the front seat instead a few times. I don't remember the bases anymore, but there was no home run. Dammit. I wasn't looking for a husband and kids. I was horny. Yes, I'll admit it, it's been awhile.

My future husband always blocked his phone number when he called, saying the people he lived with were paranoid about their number. I had no way to contact him, except for driving to where he worked and waiting for him to come out and talk if he wasn't busy. I left the shelter and told him I wasn't going to sit around for hours at his work anymore when I had a warm motel room. It was now cold outside. I said I would drive to his work, if I knew we would spend time together after he got off work. Back up a little, sometimes when he got off work, he would say he was too tired and would catch the bus and go home. It didn't matter since I couldn't go back to the shelter until after 5. But he wanted me to continue coming to his work and wait for hours after I was out of the shelter. I said I wouldn't unless I had a reason to come up there and that's when the excuses started about how he couldn't stay out late because the place where he lived the people freaked out if he wasn't home by a certain hour, etc... blah, blah, blah. He didn't want to make plans to meet. He said I was being like his ex-wife. Huh? My future husband never called me again after that night. That was almost 3 weeks ago now.

I went back to the city on Wednesday to take care of some things at the MHMR clinic and misc other stuff. I was done early and decided to stop by my old hang-out on the way out of town. I joked around with the car hops. Even the short, cocky one had started being nice to me awhile back. It was him that made the announcement... Pedro got married the weekend before New Years, about 2 weeks after our last little meeting. I said with a big smile, "good for him!" They all knew up there that there was something going on between Pedro and me. I knew the cocky shit took pleasure in telling me this news. And I knew that Pedro and I had played each other. If only he didn't start out with the wanting to get married crap, maybe we could have uuummmm... re-arranged the MSU. I don't know why some guys think that women want to hear that from a man in order to get into their pants. I just wanted to get laid, Pedro. But he taught me a valuable lesson. When homeless, things like battery operated boyfriends are not something you can really use and thus, you might make some poor choices. But I sure as hell ordered a brand new model when my DSL came up. And it won't be named after Pedro. Adios amigo!

*Pedro's name has been changed to protect the guilty married playa.

I am at one with the Internet

2008-01-03T22:29:00.000-06:00

Oh my knee pad me some. Ohhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm. Yes, I'm back on-line, armed and dangerous. Especially on-line shopping with the X-mas gift cards. The mailman will know who I am soon. I will be famous. I will take over the world. But now that I live closer to Crawford, I notice my new phone line has lots of mysterious clicks. If the government is listening, they aren't being to secretive about it. Screw 'em. They know the powers that be are coming together in the west. It was prophesized by the great Bubba a trillion years ago.

Moving is such a pain in the ass. No wonder I stayed in the last apartment for 12 years. I have unpacked all the boxes, but still have to find the right place for everything. The kitchen is pretty much set. It's all the knick-knacks and pictures for the walls and how on earth did I end up with so many pussy collectibles? It's like once your family knows you have a pussy, then standard gifts all revolve around pussy. Pussy plaques, pussy photo frames, pussy note-cards... everything pussy. Have I said that word enough? And everything is unpacked, but the address changes seem to be non-stop and the freakin' installation charges and deposits... WTF? Everybody wants freakin' money to flip a damn switch. Ok, I did spend awhile on the phone with tech support this am to get my DSL working, but $45 in install charges for that? Jeez, bend me over.

That's enough complaining for now. Be sure to tune in again for more ramblings. Remind me to tell you about my brief Latino romance back in the city last month. It was so brief, not even JS knows about it. Is that the phone I hear ringing now?

I'm nesting

2007-12-30T17:39:00.000-06:00

I'm here. With boxes and all my crap. I've got my pussy back and she's very happy. JS said that I was "nesting." I'm still moving furniture around trying to determine its final resting spot. I've unpacked most of the boxes and have crap all over the place. I'm slowly starting to get organized. Oh ya, I have to clean the apartment. The apt manager said she cleaned it... I think she must've been smoking something and thought she was cleaning. Icky, icky, icky.

I have local phone service, but the DSL won't be on until sometime late this week. I'm currently listening to JS curse at the Cowboys and cracking up while typing this. I haven't called the cable company yet for the TV, so I come over to JS's for important TV like football. And the big bonus is she feeds me too when I come over. And even when I don't. She rocks.

I have so much more to tell, but it will have to wait until I get internet. I'm happy, my pussy is happy, I think JS is happy. Life is good out here in the country. I still get mesmorized by all the stars in the sky.

Merry Yule

2007-12-21T22:41:00.000-06:00

Yes, the holiday madness is here. Traffic is snarled, shopping is for those who are foolishly brave. And cooking? Well, ask JS about her bright idea to make homemade cocoa and marshmallows. And family... *sigh*... bless their hearts. And before I go into my own typical whine and whimpering, I wish the best to all. My favorite saying for this time of year:

"Peace on Earth, Goodwill to All." Or maybe it's goodwill to men, but I think us women deserve some damn goodwill too.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up this year. I bought a strand of lights at the dollar store for the motel room. It's just not the same as decorating my own place. Though I know I will soon have a place to call my own again and quit living out of a duffel bag and my MSU (Mobile Storage Unit) or what some people call a car. And I will have my cat again. Soon. The wait is difficult. I am excited, but the changes are scary too. A city girl moving to a small town. Am I truly nuts? Luckily the traffic and idiotic drivers remind me quite often that a small town is a great idea.

I just need to survive the holidays. It is kinda lonely and sad. But as my doctor reminded me today, I've come a long way since July. So I live now in a state of mixed feelings. The desire to see my Dad at the X-mas celebration, but not the step-family, the desire to get the move details wrapped up while many businesses are closing early. The desire to feel the happiness I used to feel in December. It's always been my favorite month in the past. But this year, there's just been so much change. Yes, most of it for the better and that is great. Yet, there is a sadness I can't quite shake. At least it's not overwhelming. And December will come again next year.

It's only a few hours away from the Winter Solstice. 12:08 AM CT.

Blessings to All....

If you ain't dancing, you ain't been saved

2007-12-16T22:24:00.000-06:00

WTF? This was one of the nightly chapel services held at the shelter. A different church volunteers to do the chapel service every night. Most volunteer for the second Tuesday of the month or the fifth Saturday or whatever. I don't mind people singing and shouting and dancing in church service if that is how they worship. But I don't think anyone has the right to tell you how to worship. Each individual should have the freedom to have a one on one relationship with the deity of their choice. And in a Christian shelter telling the girl in the back in the tan coat that she isn't saved because she isn't dancing is just messed up. The preacher or whatever she was, went dancing throughout the chapel calling people out who weren't dancing. She even rubbed my freakin' back. If she tried to say anything I was prepared to tell her I was raised a proper Methodist and we sit during service, except for brief hymnals and prayer. Good grief! Turns out it was one of my roommates in the tan coat that got called out by the woman and there was much uh....debate in the room after chapel.

Maybe that was one thing that lead me up to what I did. Another was the addition of a new roommate that for her entire first week talked non-stop. She's probably still talking. Our room was peaceful before her arrival. We spoke to each other but didn't ramble on and on and on and on and on. I had thoughts of shoving a sleeping pill down her throat or attacking her with a pillow on her face if she didn't STFU. Instead, I took the higher ground and moved on.

I might have been influenced by another event that happened a few days before all the other crap annoyed me. The gov't has determined I am insane and sent me a nice little X-mas gift. I am trying to get into the same apartment complex where Jackiesue currently sits being pissed off at the Cowboys. Whatever you do.... DO NOT mention the game to her. She may bip you into Philly and that would suck. I hope they will approve me and then I can join JS in shocking other small town residents. Annnnnnnnnnnddddddddd have my cat back!!!!! I can't wait to have my WMD cat back. And even though my brother has been feeding her turkey every night, she still is very happy to see me when I visit. I assume she might be happy to have her human back, plus have a little more space that a bedroom to live in. She might not even notice that I don't feed her turkey.

So... it's been great news for me lately. I just need to survive family X-mas next and work on planning a move. Did I mention that I'm happy that I can live with my cat again soon? I guess you can say I'll be getting my pussy back,

Quick update

2007-12-07T10:38:00.001-06:00

Quick note just to say I'm doing well. I've adjusted fairly well to the shelter. Except my chore is dishes after dinner. My hands and nails are not accustomed to being in water for so long and using steel scrubbers. Yes, I have the hands of a wuss office worker. All my nails have broken and my fingertips were so dry I tore my contact lens taking the contact out on Monday. I'm since been using massive amounts of lotion on my hands. It's helping some.

Aggggggggggghhhh. The library clock is ticking. The last post I wrote by saving a draft over a few days. I do have some more stories about life on the streets including someone staying at the Salvation Army shelter trying to involve me in some sort of possible illegal activity. Though I knew it was a scam, I didn't find out until I told one of my roommates about the discussion with the guy. She explained it was basically some scheme cashing bogus checks at check cashing places. Not interested!!!

Thanks for everyone encouraging words. I'll try to type more next time!

Drug Addict Park vs Gay Grocery Store

2007-11-24T11:25:00.001-06:00

The shelter where I'm staying is in the inner city, almost in downtown. I was looking for a grocery store in the area. Early one Saturday morning, I went driving around and ran into a street with Friday night's leftovers still waking up. These were sad, sad looking people. No hope except their next fix. I didn't stay too long on that street. Later, I found out that "the park there has benches to sit on, if you don't mind the drug addicts."

Determined to find this grocery store I knew was somewhere nearby... I called my father. His warning was interesting as well, "It's in the gay part of town." Oh my! Gays vs. drug addicts. Much to my delight, I pulled up to the store and saw much eye candy. I love the gay grocery store. It's clean, the bathrooms are nice. Trust me, when the homeless shelter kicks you out from 8am-5pm daily... finding places with clean bathrooms is a must. I'm learning what bathrooms to use and what ones to avoid in this area.

The Salvation Army homeless shelter isn't too far from where I'm staying. I still get hit by panhandlers daily because it cost $7 per night to stay at the "Sally". Some of the same guys ask me daily and they are starting to notice they've asked before and I'm homeless too. There's a place I park my car sometimes in the early mornings, as it's fairly safe. It's not drug addict park. I watch the same homeless men come walking through there, checking out the dumpsters, the laundry mat trash, the gas station trash (that bathroom at the gas station is a "no-way in hell will I use that one again" bathroom). Yesterday afternoon I parked over there for awhile and watched the show. I saw a couple of familiar homeless men, one new young guy that was being shown the ropes by an older homeless guy and the bonus of a couple of drug deals. These deals were not homeless people, they drove up in cars and cell phones and waited for another car to show up. Walk up to the car and do some "chatting". Then get back in their own car and drive off.

It's a different view of life here. It's not all bad. Most are friendly to each other. We know we are in a down time in our lives. Some have been down so long, they no longer know any other way and don't look for a way out. But it's nice to see the ones that still have the glimmer of hope in their eyes. As the weather gets colder, I worry about the ones that refuse to stay in the shelters. And there are reasons no to stay in a shelter. Number one being that MOST of them cost money. But many have strict rules like where I'm staying and some people are just to far gone or have too many other worries to make sure they are on time for chapel or able to wake up at 5:30am, etc.

I pray for the woman who was walking in the middle of the street yesterday. A car honked at her to get out of the right lane. She turned around with such anger, I expected her head to do a couple of 360 turns. She yelled at that car and yelled. The car decided to try the left lane. The woman kept walking in the right lane of traffic, as if she were on a city bus or was a car herself. Even at the intersection, she got into the left turn lane. But then she decided to walk between the right and left lanes going the opposite direction of traffic. I guess it was safer to walk seeing the cars coming at you than having them sneak up on her backside. No one moved to help her. All we could do was watch. She looked as if she would kill anyone who tried to approach her.

I did spend Turkey Day with my Dad. We went to my brother's house and had dinner with him and my SIL, my 2 nephews and my niece. My step-mom was at her son's house out of state as he has been very ill. I spent some time with my cat and cried on the way back to the shelter. Until it started snowing and then I was in shock and mesmorized by pretty white flakes. Oh ya, sorry about the ads, but any penny counts right now. Gotta go, the library computer clock is ticking away! Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving!

Public Library usage goes quick

2007-11-19T10:57:00.000-06:00

The city library allows 25 minutes of internet/computer use per day. They are closed 2 days a week (more this week with the holiday). So... I'll post when I can. Too bad there's no internet at the shelter. Food and soap are probably more important than the internet.

All is fine at the shelter. I caught a cold/sinus thingy and was pretty sick over the weekend. I am starting to feel better now. Most everyone in the shelter will get or already has the cold. No matter how clean things are kept, there are several doors we must enter into different areas, all with handles. We all touch the handles. It's unavoidable and there's not enough time to try hand sanitizer between each door.

Ok...trying to write quick because there is a timer ticking away at the top of the computer. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek. Time is running out.

Oh yes... Matt Kenseth won the race yesterday! I can't watch it on TV, but found the races on the radio the past 2 weekends. I have to go to my kitchen chore last night and didn't find out until this morning who won the race. Yeah Matt! And also found out that the 'Boys won as well.

Living in the Shelter

2007-11-13T10:21:00.000-06:00

I am grateful I have a fluffy pillow. I saw some of my roomates's pillows and most of them are flat. I lucked out. The food is really good, except the egg casserole which really should be called Onion Casserole with a touch of egg. But I shouldn't complain. I have a cot to sleep on. I share a room that can hold 8 people on 4 bunk cot beds. Right now, there are only 5 of us in the room.

Some people there are miserable and complain all the time. I choose not to do that. I'm away from those that were causing me emotional harm. I turn my back or ignore those that choose to complain or sit and gossip. What's there to gossip about in a homeless shelter? Sometimes I have to listen because I am there and don't have another place to sit. But I try to remain positive. I do not want to sink into the trap of being ungrateful for what is being provided to me for free.

This is one of the better shelters. Some have 200 women in rows of beds in one room. I would totally freak out in that situation. Though living with other roomates can be difficult at times, at least we have semi-privacy and have within our room, a separate room for the shower and toilet. Everyone is assigned a cleaning chore to help keep shelter costs down. I have kitchen duty. I volunteered to be assigned this task because I'm so glad to have 2 meals a day provided for free. It's not an easy chore and takes longer than most of the other chores, but that's ok.

There are several rules we have to follow and must be on time to all scheduled events. If you are late, you could be written up. Three write-ups and you are terminated. Arnold himself comes in from CA to do the job. Depending on the offense, you could be terminated immediately, in which a Arnold look alike terminates you. Me, I try to make sure I'm at the very least, 5 minutes early to everything. I don't want Arnold or his look alike to get me.

I have found a library near-by and will try to post more often now. As with life, there are no guarantees and I need to try getting on a computer that is not directly under the a/c vent next time.

Unsheltered

2007-10-23T22:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, not in the homeless shelter yet. I went last Wednesday to check in to the shelter and I was rejected. I had too many meds. My MH clinic gives me 4 weeks worth of meds every 3 weeks. Ya, I don't understand that either. So it appeared to the woman at the shelter intake that I had not been taking my meds. Not true. I explained to her how I keep getting meds early. She said I could come back in 2 weeks, but I need to have the exact count of meds in the bottle that should be in there from the date filled on each bottle.

So, I have been staying at my step-sister's this past week and should be going to Jackiesue's this weekend if my eye laser thing goes well. Oh ya, my other eye, (also known as the good eye or my left eye).. well, there are thin spots where the retina could detach easily. After what I went through with the detachment in my right eye and desperately wanting to keep at least one eye with good vision... the retina doc is going to tact weld the thin spots with a laser this Thursday. Ok, maybe not tact weld, but do some zappy thingy with the laser in his office. He swore it wouldn't be as painful as the other time because my eye isn't healing from surgery like last time. This is the doc that is over optimistic. I expect it to hurt like hell and if it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

I don't know how homeless people find food. It's a fucked up system. To get food stamps, I have to have a residence. Huh? If I'm crashing at someone's place, I have to have them fill out a head of household form stating that I'm staying there. Same with the food pantry. I can't just go there and get food, I have to apply through this other agency and have a letter from someone stating that I'm staying there and a recent utility bill showing their address. They have me going around in circles. I guess they assume at a homeless shelter you get fed. Most of them in the other county (not the county I'm currently homeless in because this county doesn't believe in homeless shelters) feed you dinner and breakfast and you're on your own for lunch. Most of the shelters cost money after a 3-5 free days. Even Salvation Army charges $7 a day after the first 3 free days. But it doesn't matter because they are full and I have no income. So how the fuck do homeless people get food? I know they can't afford $7 or $10 a day for the shelters. How do they go through all this red tape with no transportation? At least I have the car for now. Am I the only one that thinks its screwed up that you must have a residence to get food assistance? I guess "under the bridge" or "wherever I park my car" doesn't work as an address. Sad. However, I did get the head of household thing filled out and will try my luck at food stamps tomorrow. It seems that doors keep shutting in my face, but I have to keep trying. I am looking for part-time work as that is all the MH clinic and my doctor think I can handle right now. Me too. Especially when I'm stressing about where I'm going to sleep next or how to get food. Oh and I have a ingrown toenail that's very painful. Won't you cry for me. I told my MH case worker today that I felt like having a big old pity party for me.

So... I try the shelter again on Halloween/Samhain and hope I'm not rejected for the color of my hair or something. I may try to see if I can hold off until Nov 1st instead. My dad would freak if he found out I slept in my car. I don't know why. From what I've heard from some of the people at the MH clinic, my car would be safer than sleeping at some of the shelters. This past week we had a cold front and it's been in the 40's at night, so I am very grateful that my step-sister has let me stay at her apartment. I haven't slept in the car yet, but it's an option.

Blah. I'm tired.

A Sheltered Life

2007-10-16T00:46:00.000-05:00

Yep. Going to a homeless shelter on Wednesday afternoon. I'll be staying there for 1-3 months. They'll kick me out after 90 days. Hopefully the MHMR clinic I go to will have housing for me by then. Their housing had been on a freeze since I started there in July, but it just came open last week. I'll have to pass UA tests and dance through hoops. It's the hoop dancing that concerns me.

The shelter will assign me a bunk bed cot and feed me breakfast and dinner daily. And kick me out from 8am-5pm M-F. On Saturdays kick out 10-5 and Sundays I can stay in all day if I endure an hour long worship service. There is also a 6:30 pm curfew. If I miss the curfew, I get kicked out. And once you leave the shelter, you can't get back in for 90 days. Even if it is to go visit a family member or friend overnight. Nope, can't do that. Compared to the other shelters in town, this one is free for 90 days and is in a slightly better area than the other shelters.

I picked up some breathe right strips at Wal-mart today because I snore louder than thunder. I almost bought the jar of earplugs as well for my cot mates. As long as I don't get kicked out of the shelter for snoring, it won't bother me. I don't hear myself snore. The worst thing is I don't know if I'll be able to watch NASCAR at the shelter. Dammit.

Too bad I will have extremely limited computer access. I'm sure I will have some tales of shelter living and riding the city bus. Like last Friday when the driver passed the turn and about 10 people were bitching because that made them miss the rail and made them late to work. The scary part was the U-turn he made in that huge bus to go back to the transit center he missed. And the way he stomped on the brakes multiple times when coming to a bus stop. If you stood up and started walking to the front of the bus because you thought he stopped, he'd drive a few more feet and stomp on the brakes again and make people go flying forward, desperately clinging to whatever railing they could find so they wouldn't fall over. Asshole.

I'll try to keep notes from this experience and see what tales I can type later.

Live from West, Texas

2007-10-07T10:22:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm sleeping on Jackiesue's couch. Not right this second. Right now I'm using the very same computer she uses to type her inspiring blog. Did you know you can see the Milky Way in West by god, Texas? And they drive on the wrong side of the highway on the frontage roads. Freaks me out, but apparently it's legal to do that here.

I'm kinda homeless. My step-mom threatened to leave my Dad if he let me continue to live in their house after I got out of the hospital again. Yes, I was in the hospital from Monday through Thursday morning. When I said I was going to the hospital because I was having thoughts of self-harm, my step-monster blew a gasket. Telling me I needed to grow up instead of acting like a 6 year old and that I had been trying to be queen of the house and that I wasn't queen. She was the queen of the house. WTF? My brain doc said you where living in an abusive situation, when are you going to see that. Hell, what do I know. I grew up in much worse.

Anyway, I called Jackiesue and she said, "come on down to West, you're welcome to come here anytime!" Or something like that. Yes, the super powers have met. Beware the world. Especially since I'm a little unstable. I'm staying here through at least Monday. Then my step-sister's place that is closer to the city. Then the bitch step-monster is out of town for a week and I'm allowed to stay at my Dad's while she's gone. If the weather would drop below 90 fucking degrees, I could sleep in my car. I'm kinda scared of the shelters downtown. Especially that we are locked in from 6pm-6am and I just spent about 4 days in a locked unit. Dad is looking at me living in a boarding house situation. I'm going to check the price of an apartment here in West. Though I'd have to drive to D a couple times a week at least for my psych care. I'm overwhelmed with trying to figure out what to do with the living situation, but after staying here at JS's from Friday afternoon until now, my head is calming down a little and I'm starting to think about the options.

I hope y'all are doing well. And Jackiesue is a damn good cook!

Satan returns from Missouri

2007-09-25T23:17:00.000-05:00

She had left for almost 4 days. My dad and I got along fine. My mood lifted a few times. And then, she was back. Within an hour of being back at the house, she said a few sentences that knocked me back down. I had been joking with my Dad about how he uses the remote control to eject tapes from the VCR and asked if there was an eject button on the VCR itself. I usually eject tapes from a VCR while standing in front of the VCR, not by remote control. He also uses the power button on the remote and I asked if there was a power button on the VCR. The monster in the kitchen speaks up, "Don't be smart to your Dad. You need to show respect for your elders." Fuck, I can't say anything right around this woman. I try not to speak around her and now only respond to questions with a "yes ma'am" or "yes sir." Any more than that and I risk speaking improperly.

And I know I shouldn't let her get to me. I wish I could just let these comments roll off my back. But I can't right now. I lack the strength to do that. I'm so sensitive and vulnerable (blah...hate that word), that any negative comments towards me sends me into a downward spiral. The thoughts of "I'm worthless, I'm a burden, why do I bother living" and more frequently I am obsessed with sharp objects like scissors and knives. Well, at first I wanted to punch the tree last night in my anger, but I know with no medical insurance, it would suck if I injured my hand. I smashed an empty cigarette package with my fist instead, but it didn't help. The anger subsided and then the depression comes and the thoughts I mentioned above. I think about cutting open my wrist, but again worry about hospital costs with no insurance. Sometimes I want death to take me, but the thoughts of harming myself without death are becoming more frequent. And I hate pain. I want to cut and I've never been a cutter before. This is new behavior and a new obsession. It's scary and dangerous thinking. I wonder if I should be in the psych ward again. But I don't tell anyone about the thoughts because Thursday I'm going by the SS office to file disability finally. And Friday is my bankruptcy court date and I must show up for the court date. But then there's a part of me that just doesn't give a shit about any of these things. I just don't want to feel the way I feel and I don't know how to change the feelings. Yes, I will tell my therapist tomorrow about the obsession. I just needed to write about it.

And the nightmares I had last night were awful, even though I took a Trazodone to sleep and that usually blocks my dreams. One dream my parents were controlling every part of my life. Everything I did was something they had me do. I no longer had any status as a human and was more a slave. I was so broken that I no longer even had my own thoughts. I was beaten, not physically, but emotionally broken. I no longer existed except for having a human shell.

The other dream I had some deformity growing out from the right side of my stomach. It wasn't a smooth shape. It was very lumpy with parts of it higher than others. I even had a couple of mosquito bites on it. The next day (in my dream), the deformity on my stomach was clearly a tree branch under my skin. And not just a single stick, but a stick with many branches that were obviously the higher lumps I saw the day before. But this day, it was just covered by a thin layer of skin, so I pulled out the branches. Once I did, I had a hole where the branch (and possibly roots) had been. There was no blood, just a part of me missing. And it was thought that the two sides of my stomach would grow together and form one again. I could even push the sides together to cover the hole. Then it was like an open book printed on my stomach or my stomach became a book and I could push to line up the words so the words were even across the pages. That one wasn't so nightmarish as it was just weird. But I still can sense the hole that was there just to the right of my belly button and had to look this morning when I woke up to make sure nothing was there.

I'd rather have my dreams of houses or dreams of mountains or dreams of men than the dreams I had last night. I want my happy dreams back, dammit.

Outside Influences

2007-09-15T23:21:00.000-05:00

Hmmm.... not much computer time these days. Instead I spend my hours waiting for people to heard me like cattle from one room to another. It's been one of those frustrating weeks up at the free mental health place. Tuesday my therapist decided to get my patient file and go through everything, even lab results from when I first came in, where she said my calcium was too low and was concerned because in that test, my glucose was 116. And since she's a diabetic, she starts telling me I need to cut out diet coke and drink only things with splenda and no fruit juice and I need to take calcium and some other vitamins, blah.. blah.. Last Sunday she called to confirm our appointment time, but instead spent 20 minutes talking about ways that we (her) might be able to find someone to take my cat temporarily. Not even giving me the chance to tell her that my Dad over-exaggerated the message from my SIL and I have since spoken with my SIL who has no problem keeping my cat as long as she's not harming herself. I appreciate the concern, but it's not a therapist's job to find the cat a new home, it's their job to help me process the feelings associated with it, but not do the action for me. She also told me to go ahead and increase my dosage of Wellbutrin before the dosage increase was approved by the agency paying for this crap. The med increase was not approved and it's probably a good thing I didn't follow her on that. I could go on, but she kinda crossed some lines and really pissed off my Doctor who is the one really in charge of my treatment, not her.

I saw the Doc Wednesday and was about out of my mind in another direction. I felt like I could leap tall buildings. I was talking 100 mph and couldn't make decisions. Such as... while driving to the MH place, I saw a horse down on it's stomach. I know horses aren't supposed to sit or lay down. And there where 3 other horses all surrounding the horse like they knew something was wrong with the other one. I changed lanes in traffic 4 or 5 times, trying to decide whether to tell the animal shelter about it, but then I saw a sign for a post office and needed to go there too, so went there and then couldn't decide about the horse, but needed to get to my appointment and just keep running this run on sentence over and over and over in your head about 40 times and you might be close to the state I was in Wednesday. Which one reason I finally decided not to go back to the horse site was that I figured if I kept this up, I would end up driving into another state if I saw any sign telling me to go to Oklahoma or something.

The Doc gets to see me in this frame of mind and starts to adjust my meds. I thought I was just in a really kick ass mood, even though I didn't know my head from my ass, I was happy dammit. Then the Doc asks if the xanax was helping to calm me. I said it wasn't, that it was elevating me that morning. He says it's not supposed to do that. Scratches all med changes, keeping everything the same. Decides that outside influences are causing my severe mood swings and he will go talk with the other powers about my therapist. Someone was supposed to call me back that day to tell me what was going to happen. No one did and that's not unusual.

I go to meet with my therapist the next day. She's 20 mins late for our appointment when she walks into the lobby. She didn't come into the lobby for me, as she is no longer my therapist, just no one told me. She was told that I requested a new therapist due to her lack of boundaries. That's it, blame the patient. I tell her I want someone to tell me wtf is going on. She takes me upstairs to wait for her boss, then she and her boss lead me back downstairs to wait for my Doc. I waited an hour before I said fuck it and left. I contemplating never going back. I was pissed that no one told me what the hell was going on.

Friday morning I decided to give the place another chance, besides... there was free pizza in a group session that day. Of course, tons of mental patients ended up coming because the word of pizza got out and we only got 2 slices each. Anyway, when I walk in the door, I run into a Manager. I don't know what exactly she does, but she can kick some asses and get things fixed. That's all I need to know. She asks how I'm doing... I speak... next thing I know I'm in her office, my case worker is there, I'm set up with a new therapist and an appointment for next week, advised that another patient had issues with my last therapist and the boundaries and no more intern therapists for me. I'm messed up enough to get the real deal. Well, they didn't put it that way about the messed up part. Just I need more "assistance".

On top of this, my parents are trying to convert me to Christianity. I expect they will come home from church again this Sunday with more pamphlets about some 8 week course and retreat where they try to sway me. What part of, "I don't accept Jesus is my personal lord and savior," do you not understand? And I was again told that I'm depressed because I'm not a Christian. So... there are no happy Buddhists or Jews or insert other religion here? See why I like being a hermit? Outside influences are a pain in the ass. I'm off to go engage in my heathen behavior.

Woman attacked by Rabid Moths

2007-09-08T01:35:00.000-05:00

More at 11:00.

It could happen. Ok, probably not. I don't think rabid moths would be any fun at all.

So... life has been kinda sucky lately. I wish I had better news to report. I was having a really down day Thursday where I just woke up depressed. I feel like the only purpose I have is to get out of bed so I can get out of the house and away from the parents. I guess they do help my motivation in a round about way.

Anyway, saw the doc on Thursday and he wants my therapy to dig deeper and go into the past and look at how I got to my current ways of thinking. I've been told by my therapist that I don't think logically. Apparently, my dreams of living on a deserted island or on a mountain as a hermit are not approved by the American Psychological Association. She must have told the doc because I'm sure I sound completely logical when I spout out my ramblings at him. He said the progress will be slow and painful and difficult. Oh fucking joy. Then drew like some kind of timeline comparing meds vs. therapy, where meds kick in faster and therapy is slower, but the end result is improvement and the lines intersect. The part that was so not encouraging was it was a 24 month chart. I wish there really was a magical pill to take all my problems away, as my step-monster seems to believe. As it is, we decided to increase the Wellbutrin to the maximum dose (450mg) that has to be approved by "the system". I'll find out if it was approved next week. The Celexa is at 60mg and I don't know if that's the top dosage or not. I asked that if I was going to have more intensive therapy if I could see the therapist twice a week because I'm going to need a non-judgmental person to talk to as this shit is dug through. They think that will be approved by "the system".

All of this was upsetting on top of the crappy day I was already having. And my therapist cancelled our appointment because she was sick. I get home from this crap and get the illogical idea that my parents might be sympathetic. I know better than that. But dammit, I wanted some support and got moans and groans and "if only your doc could find the right med combo, he needs to try you on different meds" and nothing like "I'm sorry you're having a bad day." Then my dad tells me my SIL called and my cat is throwing herself against my niece's bedroom door to the point where she thinks she might hurt herself. So, I need to give her up for adoption.

Friday morning, I still felt the same crappy mood and the sense of despair lingered. My fucking therapist cancelled our appointment for that afternoon again. Still sick, don't want you to catch it....blah, blah, blah. Maybe it's for the best because the mood I was in at the time... I'm afraid they would have sent me back to the psych ward if I talked to my therapist. Instead, I came home after group therapy, took the final course for the bankruptcy stuff and took a nap. I do feel a little better this evening. Naps have special powers and provide an excellent escape from reality.

I wonder why I even post this shit. I guess I need to vent and I haven't posted in awhile. Venting more often might help get out that anger that's lurking just below the surface... ready to be taken out on some unsuspecting motorist or somebody who won't shut up or tries to give me a hug in group therapy. No you can not hug me, go away. What the fuck is wrong with having the dream of being a hermit in the forest or mountains? Bastards.

Keep the body count low

2007-08-29T00:48:00.000-05:00

Was one of the last things out of Jackie Sue's mouth before we hung up the phone. I let out a low, cackling laugh that even made me question my own sanity and wondering how low was low when it came to body counts. Perhaps sharp objects should not be near me at this time. Or just run if you see me walking in your direction. My involuntary hospitalization is apparently on my background check, so why not fluff up my records a little more? Make myself look a little more well-rounded in the insanity department.

Yesterday was a crappy day. I woke up feeling down and wanting people to leave me alone. Since that wasn't going to happen at my parent's house, I decided to go to a group session on "Coping Skills." Once in the waiting room, I heard a voice... a voice that wouldn't stop chattering to her roommate that sat next to her and anyone who accidentally looked her way. I kept my face buried in my book. I knew this bitch from the very first group "session thingy... still don't know what they are called except... groups." She was a dominator of the group. I really didn't feel like talking yesterday and was going to listen to other people talk in the group and keep my mouth shut. But dammit, I didn't want to listen to this bitch talk over people again.

Somehow she snuck back to the group room before I did and I ended up sitting next to her. I avoided eye contact with her and had my pen and notebook out in case something worthwhile was actually mentioned, ya' know... like an actual coping skill. Anyway, another lady was doing most of the talking and it was fine. She had some issues to talk about and she mentioned god and then said she hoped she didn't offend anyone. Bitch took it upon herself to say, "You're not offending anyone, everyone here believes in god. Who here believes in god?" And she raises her hand indicating she wants everyone else to raise their hand and others did. I didn't look around the room to see who did or didn't, it's none of my business. I did not raise my hand. I looked at my pen. I felt the stare from her and saw movement out of the corner of my eye. She started to say, don't you believe in god. I looked her straight in the eye with her hand still up in the air and said, "I believe in a Goddess", then turned to the lady who was originally speaking and said, "And no, you aren't offending me." That shut the bitch up for a short while. I've already armed myself with a pentacle necklace in my book bag in case I go to another group that starts telling everyone the answers are in the bible, like the first group I went too. Whose business is it to ask that question in this kind of setting? I would understand if it were a church or something. Shut the fuck up and quit talking over people and asking questions when you may not like hearing the answer.

Today was better as I decided I would run my own schedule and pretend my parents aren't plotting my future behind my back. However, I can't say this enough to men working in grocery stores. Do not be rude to a woman buying tampax and a chocolate bar. You are putting your life at risk. But other than the rude cashier, the day was good and both my parents were in good moods as the effects of having a non-stop 8 year old chatterbox are starting to wear off. I even asked my step-mom some questions today, breaking my rule of "don't speak to her unless I'm spoken too and then keep it short and leave any room she enters."

Also, my Dr told my therapist that I think she talks to much. He probably said it in a nice way because he has a very gentle manner about him. He had mentioned lithium last time I saw him and I asked if he was thinking about changing me from the Major Depressive Disorder, Severe (I think the severe comes first in reality, but not on some of my papers I snuck a peak at) to Bi-polar instead. I had talked to my caseworker who sees me several days a week up there in groups, etc and she thinks I'm Bi-polar. Her words were, "I totally see it." He said even if he added something like Lithium, he probably wouldn't change my diagnosis because it would fuck with the system and might cause things like the loss of therapy that he fought to get for me and more med issues.

Anyway, my therapist was better last week. It was about a 50/50 conversation. That's still a little high on her part, but then... my thinking isn't very logical right now and she may be trying to steer me back on track. I don't know. If she keeps talking all the way through my therapy appointments, they said they would get me a different therapist. One of the supervisor's at the free mental health place has kinda taken me under her wing and asks me about stuff like that if she sees me in the waiting room when she's running through there. And sometimes, she is close to an all out run as she bounces around trying to get things moving along around there.

I'll be up there almost all day tomorrow... wait, it's today. I need to take my "knock your ass out" sleep meds and get in bed. Two "groups" and one therapy appointment tomorrow. Then as soon as I walk in the door, my parents want to know how it all went and blah, blah.. give me some fucking time to cool off, change clothes and breathe. My dad will be extra excited because he asked me to ask my therapist when I'll be able to get a job. She called me tonight to re-check our appointment time and I told her about that and she laughed that she was supposed to know the answer. I'm going to try to coax her into writing a note to my dad as I think they won't believe what I say. I love how he leaves the paper out everyday with the job section on top. His subtle hint that I have noticed, but pretended not to notice. Hell, so far I can handle 2-3 hours of volunteer work, one day a week, where I'm lucky enough to have contact with few humans and some cats and kittens. Hmmm.... maybe if I posted more often this crap would be shorter or maybe I'd ramble more and think of more things that piss me off and other ways to express my passive-aggressiveness, like chasing people with a watermelon. I think that would liven up my background check.

No peace

2007-08-21T04:56:00.000-05:00

Last week's peace treaty was smashed late Monday. The conditions are tense around this once peaceful house. There was a few days last week where enemies laughed. However, a young nephew is back this week... all week long. He talks constantly, no really... he won't stop unless someone asks him to and then he can hold back for a few minutes. All streams of conscious thought come out through the mouth. He'll be wonderful on the debate team some day or a politician, as obvious yes/no questions are never answered by either of those words, but a long stream of debate. He's a great kid, but he feels like he must have someone to talk to at all times. This tension wears on the household and some cannot handle the pressure and explode. It is not a pretty sight. I had to run for cover last night, after one person could no longer handle the stress and made another idiotic comment to me. I sought refuge in the bed and will be trying to avoid this person as best I can all week.

In other Babs news, I did enjoy a group therapy thingy yesterday. People spoke my language and didn't judge me every by every word I spoke or move I made. I spoke freely and vented some frustrations. I'm trying another group today to get out of this fucking house.

While in the parking lot yesterday, I heard a song on the radio that was... well, it just fit.

"The Logical Song" by Supertramp

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
Joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
Logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
Clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.

Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
Liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!

At night, when all the world's asleep,
The questions run so deep
For such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.

whine, whine and yes, I would love some cheese

2007-08-14T22:52:00.001-05:00

On a daily basis, I am subjected to mosquitoes, biting flies, mosquitoes and mosquitoes. I was also attacked by a rose bush, whose thorn tried to cut my knee open, but left only a small flesh wound that looks worse than the reality. Though I have people ask me about the vicious looking wound, it is not a deep scratch. Last time I help my Dad while he's cutting down tree limbs. Ok, maybe I'll help next time as long as he doesn't drop anymore limbs on my head. I continue to avoid my step-monster as much as possible, only approaching on her good days when she appears cheerful. However, I know there is a dark beast lurking inside her that can lash out at any moment, despite the cheery facade.

My days are filled with meetings with caseworker, counselor, psychiatrist, group crap (I'm contemplating the group for anger management so I can inform my step-mom how not to piss me off and have me kick her, but they had me sign something that said I wouldn't harm myself or others, so I can't kick her) and random other visits to the free mental health place because they like to waste people's time. It's only a 40-45 minute drive one way, no biggie. Tomorrow is the stress management group. There is also a self-esteem group tomorrow, but I'm skipping that one since I have no self-esteem. I wonder if that will fly with my caseworker?

I also start my volunteer work for a nearby humane society on Friday. I'll be cleaning cat cages at a Pet store that adopts out cats for the humane society. I get to feed, water, pet and play with the cats too. I miss my cat that has now adopted my niece as her human and doesn't acknowledge me anymore. So, I'm looking forward to petting some pussies. I'm talking pussy cats people... quit it. I'm doing the volunteer thing once a week and it's also part of my therapy to get me out among the other morons. Since I now live with people, there's not much difference. I'm not saying they are morons here at the house, just some people have issues. (unlike me, who remains perfect)

Anyway, all this crap designed to make me a happier, molded pillar of human society is keeping me busy. Sorry I haven't been reading other blogs. I keep thinking when things calm down I'll get to it, but things aren't going to calm down. They're after me!!! Caseworkers, counselors and psychiatrists... oh my! And don't get me started about the drug nurses. If your prior med prescription was filled on July 18 and it was for a 30 days supply, and Aug 18th falls on a Saturday when the clinic is closed and July has 31 days, you can't pick up your meds until the next Monday meaning you are SOL on meds for a few days. And if your doctor speaks to them to try to get them to do it on the Friday before Aug 18th, they grow horns and you can see steam circling all around them as they tell you it's not likely you'll get your meds on Friday. Bitches. But I do like my doctor and caseworker. I'm not sure about the counselor yet. I think she's trying to hard to figure me out and talks too much. If you want to figure me out, here's a thought, let me talk.

Bottom line now that I vomited all that out is.... sorry I haven't read your blogs or I'm slow responding to emails. I will try to post on here every so often. However, it may just be me whining and bitching or worse, depressed crap which is so fun to read and makes everyone's day shine just a little brighter! Cheerios to all!!!!

My Big Ten Inch

2007-08-09T00:19:00.000-05:00

Not to brag, but it's more like 13 inches. I never thought those penis enlargement spam mails would work. But my hair.... gone... snip, snip. I am now the hairless woman. I haven't had short hair since I was a youngster. It's now just above my shoulders. What to do with it? The lady at the hair place put in mousse and used a blow dryer to fluff it up. I don't even own a hair dryer or a moose. Do mooses like to be dried that way?
And what about my sacred scrunchie collection? Out of my huge selection, only one of them will hold my hair in a wee, little pony tail. Can I donate the scrunchies to a cause? Maybe Scrunchies of Love? I mean I donated my hair to Locks of Love, so maybe there's a need for scrunchies somewhere.

See the brain man tomorrow. Hope I don't have to wait all day. I'll be prepared with snacks, water and games. Since my Dad isn't escorting me to the free mental health clinic anymore, I can have some fun. Run around and pick other patient's noses, do jumping jacks in the waiting room areas, pretend I'm on fire.. you know, the usual stuff.

Living with famdamnly

2007-08-07T12:45:00.000-05:00

Get me outta this crazy place!!!!!!!!! Yes, I know I should be grateful and I am. But fuck, this place is insane. Between my nephew that talks non-stop and the 2 faces of my step-mom, I'm afraid I'm just going to shut myself in the guest bedroom and rock back and forth mumbling, "Happy, happy, joy, joy". It would probably be more like "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck", but I don't want to influence my young nephew on how to speak probably just yet.

This morning my father told me he was leaving to run errands. I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. (Yes, I'm trying to do a consistent exercise routine) When I came out of the room, my step-mom was looking for my dad. I told her he left to run errands about 30 minutes ago. My step-sister said he told her too. I said, "He told us." I was just making a statement. She then said, "Well, I'm not the important one in the house anymore" and slammed the door shut on her way out. I decided to try avoiding her the rest of today. Actually, I try whenever possible to stay out of her way lately.

When my dad got back, I told him what happened and he said he thought she knew he was going. I suggested he make sure to tell her when he is leaving and to do something nice for her. When she got home, she looked at me and said hi in her cheery voice. Oh no, not playing psycho bitch now loves you game. I ignored her and asked my dad what we were making for lunch to take to my uncle that had surgery last week. He replied that he was taking my step-mom out to lunch and I said that was great. And I meant it. One because the woman needs something and two, I finally have a few minutes with no one else in the house. I miss my hermit time almost as much as I miss my cat.

I went back to the guest room to finish a book I was reading. She came back to apologize. "Your Dad has tunnel vision, it's one of his greatest and worst traits. He's been focused on you for the past month and I've been ignored. That's hard for a wife to take. You understand that don't you?" Blah, blah, blah...more of the same and she throws in, "It doesn't help that we don't share the same opinion." Meaning the opinion about my treatment for depression. I told her that it is not my fault my father has tunnel vision, that I informed my Dad that he needed to do something nice for her and will continue to suggest this and yes, I can understand your views as his wife. She said she shouldn't have said the words out loud and just kept it in her head. I said that I could feel her anger towards me and that I wish she'd just go ahead and vocalize it because I can sense it anyway. (I sense it almost all day long) If she vocalizes it, at least I know what she is pissed off about and not guess or make assumptions.

The thing is, the words are said, the apology doesn't really help me. Though maybe it helps her. Once she made the comment, I'm thinking of where else I could go.... maybe a homeless shelter...anything to get away from her. I just want to avoid her more and more. She mentioned the other day that she thought her thyroid meds might need to be adjusted because she's shaky and losing her temper more often. She thought she had a doctor appointment this month but it's not till October. If she keeps losing her temper with me I'm going to suggest she go much earlier and I won't apologize for telling her. These regular vocal slams are making me feel more rebellious. I've been tip-toeing around trying to be perfect so I don't ruffle any feathers. But I'm getting that old feeling from my past that says... if you're going to get yelled at for everything you do... might as well do what I want and not what other's want. Meet my two extremes. People pleaser and rebel. And that switch is getting so close to going to rebel.

Oh ya- I mentioned to my parents in our last "discussion" that I wasn't a Christian because they were suggesting all these church activities. When I said I wasn't a Christian, they mumbled "maybe that's why you're depressed." Ya, because I've never met a depressed Christian or a nutty Christian before. Whatever. Rebel lurking......

Since the psych ward

2007-08-04T05:44:00.000-05:00

I've lost almost everything. First I lost myself and that got me to the psych ward. Then I spent several days packing up my apartment and handing over my WMD cat to my niece. My step-mom is allergic to cats, so Peaches can't stay here. I did see her recently as it was my nephew's birthday and my parents went over to give him his gift. Peaches is a one person at a time cat. She only came to the edge of the underside of the bed and let me scritch her chin. She now accepts my niece as her human. She licks her, claws at her when she's on the computer, sleeps at the foot of her bed. I am glad for both of them, but I miss Peaches to pieces.

We moved my crap from apartment into a storage unit. Then I spent two days cleaning the apartment and said goodbye to the place I lived the past 12 years. My Fortress of Solitude. I even returned BB boy's note from over a year ago where he called me a stupid bitch. I wrote on the other side... BB boy.... Bu-Bye!... the crazy lady next door. I'm sure he's so not sad to see me go.

Now I battle with my parents. What they think I should be doing. My step-mom got pissed off today and called my depression bullshit. That she had depression and went to work and raised 3 kids. This was after she called me into a room to discuss why I had been "sulking" the past few hours and I told her that my feelings are minimized and not validated here. So they were minimized even more. I've cried a few times the past week and I never used to cry. I'm so sensitive to every word, every look, every feeling I can sense from people. I feel raw and exposed. I feel like a burden to everyone because I really am a burden to my family. And it makes me feel like the lowest life form. I'm like an amoeba or a leech. Yes, a leech is a better description. This life is hard and painful and I'm trying to make it through. I've been trying to be perfect around this house, but it feels like I'm wrong all the time. I realize some of the way I interpret stuff is probably leftover crap from my childhood. I'm pulled in several directions, what my dad wants, what my step-mom wants, what my new Doc wants. I have no idea what I want. I'm lost somewhere between all this. I try to stay afloat.

Hang on... I hope to be more cheerful and back to my "is it really ficiton" way of writing soon.

What Is and What Should Never Be- V

2007-08-04T04:33:00.000-05:00

After 26 hours in hell, I was transferred to what would be more like a psych hospital haven. I still refused to talk unless spoken too at first. They had more forms to fill out with the transfer and I was offered a sandwich with a fruit cup as it was after dinner when I arrived. I ate the fruit but could not stand another sandwich.

I actually had my own room, with a bed and a shower and a sink. There was a group room that had an ice dispenser and cold water. We had hot meals. Some were pretty good, some were kinda comical. Like the beef tips over pasta. There was no pasta. I even asked other patients. No pasta.

But the main difference here was the staff was gentler and the patients not in such lost states as the hospital with the observation room. No one was in detox and yelling or going into seizures or getting shots in the ass. The troublemakers were transferred to the state hospital. I was so excited to finally be able to take a shower and sleep without lights or the sound of waves playing. We had group sessions almost all day long. Everything was scheduled to keep us busy. Time went by pretty fast that way, though sometimes the group sessions could be annoying.

The doctor here took me off Effexor and also wondered why the hell I was put on Lithium. He put me on Wellbutrin and Celexa. Celexa is similar to Lexapro. I also was taken off Xanax and switched to Klonopin and continued with the Trazodone for sleep. Trazodone is actually an anti-depressant, but they found that it knocks most people out and makes me sleep without hearing a thing or waking up at all during the night. I wake up slightly tired, but it wears of quickly. I'm a walking pharmacy.

I was able to go home on the 18th. I was approved for free mental health insurance. When I went to the pharmacy after being released, all my meds were free. Now going to the free mental health clinic place was frustrating at first. It took about 4 hours the first day and one day I was there from 8 am - 3 pm, but I think now that I got all the paperwork out of the way, was assigned a Dr and a case worker and met with both. Peed in the standard cup, gave several vials of more blood and had a health screening, it probably won't take as long in the future. And I really like my Doctor. He drew me a little map of the brain to show me what system is affecting everything. If anyone knows me, they know that behavioral neuroscience was my favorite class in college and I once had a dream to win the lottery, go back to school and figure out how the brain worked on every emotional issue. For now, I continue plotting how to take over the world.

What Is and What Should Never Be- IV

2007-08-02T21:20:00.000-05:00

Once at the gates of hell, I was let into a small room. The handcuffs were removed, my belongings exchanged between cop and psych nurse, and an exchange of signatures completed my transfer to hell. The cop left and the door locked behind him. I would not breathe fresh air for the next 26 hours.

After the initial entrance to hell, I was sent into the "observation room". It was a huge room with 2 long rows of blue reclining chairs. Some people were asleep in them, some wondered around mumbling or shouting things. The guards continued to yell at people to sit in their assigned chairs. I met the prison guard for the women's side. She inventoried my stuff and I got to keep my smokes. I had an extra pack that she assured me would be safe in the desk drawer where she sat most of the time. It was later stolen. I should have kept them on me as the pack I kept was not stolen, even when I slept.

I waited a few hours to be assigned to my chair. Waiting on something called a "skin assessment". I had no idea what that would be. I found out it was going into a bathroom and having a nurse and prison guard look at my naked body for marks, cuts, bruises, etc. They made note of the 2 spots where the IV's had been and the huge bruises and purple color around the area of the former IV's. I looked like a junkie or something. I finally got my very own recliner. It was then that I took in more of the scenery. The women were on one half of the room and the men on the other side with one small row separating the chairs. I was 2 chairs away from the men's side and later that night, they shuffled some chairs and I was the end of the women's line. Men tended to wander over to the women's side quite often, women didn't dare wander to the men's side. The men were yelled at by the prison guards when caught.

They threw sacked food at us around lunch and dinner containing a sandwich, small bag of chips and a package of cookies. There was bottled water and also a water fountain. Late at night, they threw leftover sacked food to those who wanted it. A pack of wolves, we were, attacking all that remained. I swear some people growled at each other. I was so freakin' tired of sandwiches by the time I got out of there.

I spent most of the time with my head down, listening to the sounds around me. 3 big TV's were kept on until nighttime when evil calm music was played and then ocean sounds that made you want to pee. However, the bathrooms were locked and you had to get a prison guard to open one. Once inside, they were not locked and the men had a habit of checking bathroom doors at any opportunity. At this point, I didn't care. I didn't talk to anyone. I refused to acknowledge anyone around me. But listened. To the girl 2 chairs down who would laugh out loud for no reason I could see. To the couple of men that had different sermons. One was about Jesus and he would get up and shout while walking around. The other would just shout stupid stuff that made no sense and wouldn't stay in his chair either. They both got a shot in the ass later. Another guy got a shot the next day and he still pounded on the door to the secluded room. I've never heard anyone beat on a door so loudly. He did end up with another shot to the ass and finally went down. I ended up seeing him a few days later in the next place I went.

The place was packed and understaffed. I got my day meds at 8pm and my night meds at 1am. The Dr. there tripled my Effexor dosage, kept the Lexapro the same, added Trazodone for sleep, cut the Xanax back and added Lithium even though I'm not bipolar. I argued with him on the Lithium, but he said it was a mood stabilizer. Whatever. And yes, all along I was asked what I took for the overdose another 100 times. As the hours dragged on, I became convinced this was my punishment for what I had done. I would take my punishment and stay trapped in my little world in my head. Until I was transferred out of hell into the next psych hospital.

What Is and What Should Never Be- III

2007-07-31T22:50:00.000-05:00

At the hospital, I had to tell about 160 people what meds I used for the overdose. Got to pee in a cup, always good, clean, fun. Had any sharp objects taken away from me. My sandals had metal buckles. They needed to draw blood and the nurse went ahead and put in an IV line in case they needed it later. She couldn't get the vein on the first arm, so she then attacked my other arm and took several vials of blood. She said it would be awhile for the test results. I found the NASCAR race on TV and settled back in the bed.

Another Dr. came by and again asked what I took for the overdose. Morons. Don't you share info? Some other nurse said they were trying to decide what treatment plan to follow since it had now been about 30 hours since I took the overdose. We waited and waited. Someone came and started an IV of fluids to help flush out my kidneys. It was too late for the charcoal treatment.

In popped a little man to do a psych evaluation. He said they wanted to send me somewhere for observation for a few days. My parents protested loudly. The little man backed out of the room with hardly a word. Awhile later, two cops showed up. The doctors explained I was being involuntarily taken to a psych hospital. My parents threw a fit. My step-mom started crying when they explained I would be put in handcuffs. The cop told her they would be placed in front, not behind my back. By this point, I just didn't give a shit anymore. I was stuck going with whatever and didn't feel like arguing or making a scene.

They took out the IV before the bag was even completely empty. I think they felt that my parents were going to try to help me escape or something. They wanted to hand me over to the cop and get me behind a locked door. So, off we went. My parents followed us out to the parking lot and then went on their way to their car. The cop took me to his car and then did the handcuffs and I got in the fucking plastic back seat with no fucking air conditioning. The afternoon sun was beating down in that back window and sweat was just rolling off me. The cop kept attempting to make small talk. I wasn't in the mood for his shit. However, he was kinda cute. Little did I know, he was taking me to hell.